But how to do it and MEAN it eludes me still. I'm pretty good for a while...but then whenever something bugs me and I act as if it really does not bug me to while I search for the time/place/method to bring it up I also get eaten up inside. When I do manage to find the time/place/method of broaching the subject in a non-threatening way (we have actually done this once or twice) the problem is that there is still NO RESOLUTION. It's like I tell him how I feel, ask how he feels and I get no answer or "I don't know" and then he acts like 'ok, your feelings are noted' and that's it. And, yes, I have asked him specifically to do things, I've also tried to let him come to a decision himself-which he does not (or can not?). I have tried the 'when you do XXXXX, it makes me feel XXXX and I think I'd feel better is you were to XXXX' or 'what do you think would help me not to feel XXXX'...still the same pat answers: "I don't know" or "nothing". It seems that of all the things I've tried, nothing works. I get so frustrated sometimes at his lack of anything.
One of his soldiers' wives died today, long battle with breast cancer-it had been coming for a while. He was there with the family to provide whatever support (he could) that they needed. I asked him on the phone how his soldier was doing and his reply was 'well, how's he supposed to be doing-his wife died'. I had to bite my tongue NOT to say, 'gee H I don't know-why don't you tell me how you'd feel' but I didn't because I know it's not a fair question and it is rather morbid. Thinking of myself when his soldier is in so much pain....besides, before my surgery for my throat I told him that if anything were to happen to me I did NOT want 'that woman' anywhere NEAR my kids-I wanted them to go to my parents if he chose to go back to her. He was pretty pissed. Understandably so, that really was a pretty shitty thing for me to say-but I needed to say it. It's how I felt-who knows what could have happened? I don't like to leave things un-said which is another one of my 180's, I have been trying not to open my mouth in that way.
Ah well, I am rambling now. I am overanalyzing this WAY tooooo much, y'think? (hey Phoe-I know you're out there....wouldn't you agree??!!)
going home to hug my kids and my H....he's had a rough day....
