quote:Excerpt from DivorceBusting: The worst advice a newlywed couple could be given is: “It is important to be open and honest with your feelings at all times.” Although the open expression of feelings is a prerequisite for any successful marriage, there are definitely is a time and place for it. Intense feelings often cloud perceptions, making clear assessments of problematic situations difficult.
We want OR to be a safe place where we can express our feelings. We feel we should be able to vent when we feel frustrated, and our spouse will understand. There are two things wrong with this.
Firstly, negative feelings beget negative feelings. I have a book (forget the title) that discusses the use of SBT to fight depression. In it, the author notes that when we are depressed, we want someone to sympathize with our hurt. But, whenever we lean too heavily on someone for this, they back away.
Misery loves company, but company doesn’t love misery.
The second thing that goes wrong is that our spouse will not understand. Therefore, the way they react isn’t what we want, and we get even more frustrated.
The other extreme is when we keep everything to ourselves. Going dark. If our spouse doesn’t even know we have issues, then how can they even try to sympathize or change their behavior. Sometimes, they would be willing to change to accommodate us, but don’t know what to do. Even worse, they start trying to guess what the problem is, and either act inappropriately or simply resent the fact that you don’t trust them.
I want to get to a place in my R where I will keep transient negativity to myself. I want to be able to bring up larger issues with my W in a non-confrontational way. I want to be listened to even if she doesn’t agree with me, and I want her to have an open mind about what I say.
And I want W to feel the same way.
This begs the question… How do I get there?
The only solution that I can think of is to act as-if this is already the way things are. At this point, W will not play the as-if game, but I’m hoping that it’ll rub off. The biggest impediment to this working is that I’m way too sensitive right now. I can act as-if something isn’t bothering me, but it eats me up inside.
