I have to concur with what Andy said....this keeping things inside stuff is a huge 180+ for me, see, before in OR, I told H everything. I thought that's the way marriages were. I kept pretty much NOTHING from him. It caused him to overload-this was a major part of why he had A, at least that's what I've been able to figure out. He was unable at that time to "be" there for me and be my fixer-even tho I told him over and over I only needed him to listen and tell me he loved me. My problem is that while I can keep things in that bother me, it only lasts for a time and then I over-flow and it all comes spilling out. I am a very reaction-ist, meaning that I usually have an immediate and passionate reaction to things, a lot of the time my mouth would start to function before my brain had fully engaged.
So in following the DB practices/principles I decided to try something different. Most of the time it works like a charm, H has noticed that I am calmer and not so reactionary to most things. I just can't seem to keep it up for very long which makes me wonder if the 'change' I've made in and of myself is just that-a change. Or am I just going through the motions? Like Phoe says (hey there girlfriend-good to see you out and about again!), I am not sure if the situation has changed exactly, but it is pretty apparent that I have not changed enough for the situation to change. Like the merry-go-round Andy spoke of on Matilda's (hey to you too-I know you're out there!) thread.
I have tried the no OR talks, but for some reason I just can't keep it up. In the early part of OR we told each other everything. I don't know when or how that changed-but it did. Now that I am not speaking my mind so much, it bothers H. He gets frustrated that I won't finish sentences or thoughts, for fear of bringing up 'old stuff'. (my fear-so I just drop things) I have not initiated an OR talk since the melt-down on our anniv. It was fueled by a loss I just experienced, or rather, just learned of recently that hit me in a very unexpected way. My first love, the man I was going to marry and had lived with for a time in my 20's, passed away in Sep of 2000. I just found out. It hit me pretty hard, which was unexpected. He and I have a LOT of history together and even more unresolved issues...'nother LONG story. H was pretty understanding and compassionate about it, even tho in the past he has expressed a great deal of jealousy about my e-fiance'. There was just too much 'stuff' I'd been holding in and I let fly. Shit happens.
So now that I realize that the holding things in deal isn't working, and the telling everything doesn't work-I need to explore and find my happy medium...much like Andy says.
How do we get there? It's a very personal and individual ideology and I'm sure it's gonna take a lot of time, trial and error.
Any suggestions? I know, if it doesn't work-try something else....right?!
