I used to internalize until I blew up. W always told me that she would rather get things out in the open. So, eventually, I decided to be “completely open.” Woooops. Not such a great idea either. So. What do I do now? I suck it in and never let it out. I’ve found that “honestly” expressing my negative feelings only causes resentment – whether expressed immediately or in a blow-out. So what’s the point? I know that this attitude makes my W sound intolerant, but isn’t that the way we all behave? Thinking back on it, I never used to accept our differences very easily. No wonder she got her back up.
I know that people will say (and have already told me) that I could be honest if I phrased things properly. Maybe that would have worked at one point, but once the pattern is established, changing the wording doesn’t change the perception of finger-pointing.
Of course sucking it in has a downside. Like I posted earlier, sometimes it affects my sleep. Sometimes it ties my stomach in a knot. As-if behavior has – in some cases – helped my PMA. Sometimes it’s not so good. Guess there’s no perfect answer.
And, I guess I'm looking at the long term. I'm still hoping that eventually, I won't have to act as-if. I'm hoping that the things that I have to suck in are just small stuff that shouldn't be brought up anyway.
