I agree with you completely. Part of my email on Monday was:
quote: I’m not so afraid of new ideas. Like I said, I do see some validity to what she says. It takes a fresh look at perimenopausal “moodiness”. I found it quite enlightening. Classical thinking is that swinging hormones cause swinging moods. The idea being that the bad feelings are caused by hormones. A woman goes periodically “crazy” at this time of life. The flip side of the coin is that these periods of “craziness” are really periods of clarity. If you’re interested in my view, I think that there are perhaps periods of thinking one way, and periods of thinking another way. The overall effect is clarity. Does that make sense?
But it’s hard to take, Matilda. I find it so hard to believe that I was such an horrible S.O.B., and for so long that it affected my W’s physical and mental health so adversely.
And, I’m trying to nurture the emotional part, but I don’t know how. My recollection of the past 10 years is that I was there for her emotionally. I thought I did a pretty good job of balancing my needs with my obligations to her, my family, and my financial responsibilities.
For the past year, I’ve been subverting my needs (most of the time) to hers. It seems to be working to a degree, but I sometimes get the impression that W figures I’m only doing it as a ploy to get what I want. Of course, she’s right – to a degree. I want my self-esteem back. I’ve always considered it to be one of my best features that I’m a giving, caring person. I’ve had to adjust my behavior to match that admittedly egotistical self-image. At the same time, I want love and respect from my W.
They say it takes one month of recovery for every year of a relationship. I don’t know when you start the clock, but I hope it doesn’t take another year or two.
Lily,
If you like Lauren’s comments on page 1, have a look at Struggling with Perceptions. There’s lotsa great stuff from him and others. Well, at least at the beginning – before it degenerated into “Struggling with Andy’s whining.”
LAN,
Nice to hear from you again. Sorry you don’t feel like you’ve found your spoon yet. I think that it may lie in the dating thing. Yeah, it’s awkward at first, and to be honest, dating isn’t a magic pill that fixes everything, either. My W and I have had a few “dates”, and they just aren’t what they used to be. But, ya gotta start somewhere, eh? Then ya gotta start again. And again. And again….
Maybe the spoon you use to bring down the wall can be used to bury the past?
