Here is my sitch. All advice welcome#2

[grasshopper]

The toughest thing to deal with right now is our children. D5 says everday that she wants mom and I to live in the same house again. It is abosolutely horrible see your children have to go through something as painfull as this. What a shame the whole situation is.

Yes. I makes my heart hurt thinking about it. I'm sorry for all of us in this position.

GH

[Hanging__On]

Well I am here posting again. I am not sure why because I really don't have anything to update about. Although last night I seemed to open up hornets nest with the MIL. My W and had a long talk the other day and both agreed that things cannont continue the way they are. I told her I was optimistic that love could be rebuilt if we wanted to do the work. She doesn't seem to be so optimistic she thinks it can't happen so I just throw my hands in the air. It is so frustrating. Anyway I mentioned to her that we need to sit down and go over the D papers and decide how we want things to go. Well MIL calls me last night and just starts chewing my ear off about how I have not taken any of her familiy into account and all I think about is myself and I am supposed to just sit back until W decides what she wants. Well I am tired of sitting back and acting like there is no problem. Im tired of everyone trying to tell me what to do. People always feel the need to tell you there opinion of the whole. The W thinks that we should get a divorce and I am just trying to get things lined out. But guess what ? Now I am the bad guy. I am not the one who decided to betray our marraige, I am not the one who moved out to get away from all the issues. I am not the one who quit going to C. I am the one who is trying to get a life. I am the one who bought books on how to create a better marraige. I am the one who set up the C for the both of us. I am the one who begged her not to move out. It doesn't matter how hard I try she is just not interested in continuing in this marraige. But I am the bad guy.

[grasshopper]

Gotta run for a few minutes and then I'm probably gone for the weekend but...

It doesn't matter how hard I try she is just not interested in continuing in this marriage. But I am the bad guy.

As long as you allow other's definition of you to be YOUR definition, then yes, you are the bad guy because like most people, she is going to try to blame you for everything she can, and the more you accept of that blame, the more validated she feels in placing it on you.

This may seem to be a contradiction to all the "validation" talk I do, but I don't think so. I think that when they blame us for things, we CAN validate and say "I understand why you would feel that way. It makes sense, but I don't agree. Maybe that's ok for now."

She can SAY anything she wants, and so can MIL, but they can't MAKE you feel responsible, only YOU can do that. How you feel is a REACTION to what they say and do, not a direct result. There is a point where internal intervention IS possible, and it's this intervention that we refer to as detachment.

I know it sucks to feel this way, and despite all my big talk, I feel that way a lot too. I feel blamed and responsible for a LOT of things that I KNOW are not my fault but I try not to personalize that. I know that a lot of it is just my W venting and she doesn't MEAN a lot of it. You MIL & W may or may not really believe you are responsible for all this, but in the end, it only matters what YOU believe.

GH

[Hanging__On]

What now? I call my children every night before they go to bed and tell them I love them and to sleep well. Last night when I called my D5 told me she did not want to come stay with me tonight that she would miss mom. She started asking me questions on the phone about my W and I being apart and that she did not want that any longer. I would like to tell her what is really happening but being so young I just don't think she would understand. Plus it is not fair to put such a burden on a child. The whole thing just ticks me off.
The W ran into a cousin the other day and told her that the family has been really treating her bad and that she is the victom in this whole mess and that I screwed the marraige up. I am just so fed up with the lies. She talks trash to everyone we know. She had an Uncle pass away a few days ago and I feel like I should attend the service but I am sure she has run me down to her whole family and I think it will be pretty uncomfortable for me. Any ideas? I live in a small town so people just feed on this kind of gossip and I keep hearing things second and third hand, but it is really upsetting.

[Hanging__On]

Just checking in and rambaling a bit. I had the girls yesterday for the 4th of July, which was nice. I took them to the lake and they got to swim and play all day. Then we set off fireworks until 11:00pm. They fell asleep the minute their heads hit the pillow. The W called that morning because she knew that she was not going to talk to them last night. She sounded pretty down in the dumps and I thought about inviting her to spend the day with us but then decided against it at the last minute. I figured that she wanted the seperation so she should have to deal with us being apart even on a holiday. I don't know maybe that is the wrong way of looking at it. I am just so tired of being alone all time and when I have the kids I just want to spend my time with them. I hope everyone else is haveing more luck in there sitch than I am.

[Hanging__On]

Man oh man! My emotions have been running crazy the last couple of days. I want my W home so bad. I just can't stand the way she seems to ignore me. I called the girls last night to them I loved them and then talked to the W for a couple of minutes. I have not talked to her about the R for a few weeks but last night I told her I missed her so much. I am working on GAL and moving forward with my life. Trying to get a PMA it is just incredably hard. Slowly I can feel the pain starting to ease some.

We have talked about sitting down and filling out papers but then she always has some excuse not to. This is probably a good thing. Maybe she is just not ready to throw in the towl quit yet. I on the other hand want her home, but I want a different marraige than the one we had in the past. After reading and trying to DB I feel like I have learned or am learning how to be a better husband. I see where I have made lots of mistakes and I want another chance to show how things could be better in the future. Life feels like such a struggle at times, but how we endure through these struggles make us who we are today.

[grasshopper]

HO,

You are at the point we all get to where we say the cliche "if I only knew then what I know now" and the not as common "I KNOW now and if only I can get her to understand that she would..." I feel your pain but just know that no matter what you know now, or feel today, you can't rush the process. She has to not only lead herself to the water but decide to drink from it before she can learn how good it tastes now that you've purified the hell out of it.

GH

[Hanging__On]

Well today is my D birthday. She is now 6. My W informed me last night that she would be at my house this morning to pick up the girls for the day. She also asked if I wanted to go to dinner tonight which hit me by suprise. The last couple of weeks she has not given me the time of day.

This morning when she arrived, she was in a great mood and we discussed the birthday party we have planned for this weekend. I still feel like we are at stand still and I am emotionally dead. I don't know if I am coming or going. I would like for us to just spend some time together and visit or something.

I also have another delima. The W has been telling everyone that I am seeing somebody wich is not true. There is a gal that I have been talking to on the phone for a couple of weeks but it is nothing other than chatting. I can't figure out why she feels the need to say crap to people that is not true. This has been going on since day one and it is driving me crazy. What do you think? Should I ask her about it or should I ignore it?

[grasshopper]

ho, I am not ignoring the rest of your post (BTW, happy b-day to the little one. My son just turned 6 too!) but this struck me as odd.

I also have another delima. The W has been telling everyone that I am seeing somebody which is not true. There is a gal that I have been talking to on the phone for a couple of weeks but it is nothing other than chatting.

I think there have been MANY of us here who have been really quick to label that an EA and be in utter distress, thinking the world as we know it is coming to an end over less than that.
Why should your sitch be any different. Marriages have ended up in shambles over less than "chatting" on the phone for a couple of weeks.

I am not trying to hang you out to dry but you have to understand that your W is looking for the retaliation. I think ALL WAS's are at some point EXPECTING us to try to "revenge date" because it seems to be the natural thing to do. To her, no matter what you SAY it is, it's you seeing someone...and maybe, using the definition of a lot of folks here, you ARE seeing someone.

That is a totally separate issue from her making things up about you. IF she is doing that, then I would hope she gets over her childish high school antics sooner rather than later. HOWEVER, are you sure she "needs to say crap to people that isn't true" or is it possibly that she just "says crap to people that SHE believes is true." Remember, where she sits, the world looks different.

Case in point. A few months back, when my W was still in her affair yet claiming that she was not, I would have SWORN that every time she left the house it was to see OM. I even told people (mainly the people here, but also the one or two real life people I talk to) that this was the case. Was that me "saying crap to people that wasn't true"? Maybe, but I SINCERELY thought it WAS true and thus, in my mind, it's NOT the same as making things up about someone with the intent to discredit or harm them in some way.

Again, I am just making sure you are not mistaking a difference in perspective for malicious attempts by your W to harm your reputation.

Something to think about.

GH

[Hanging__On]

I see your point GH. Just for the record I did tell this gal that I was no longer going to chat it up with her because of my situation. My MIL called her slut the other day just because she is associated to me. It is not fair to her.

I just want to focus on getting my life back in order and somehow building a new marraige with my W.

I know for fact the W is bad mouthing me to friends and family because they make sure and tell me when it happens. It is just unbelievable to me that she does this. The only people I talk too about my sitch is you folks on this BB. It is just sad to see this happening. You think you know someone when you have been with them for 15 years, but what I really know is that she is not the person I thought she was.