Here is my sitch. All advice welcome#2

[grasshopper]

I think it's a good opportunity to show that you can have a good time with her WITHOUT R TALK and without putting pressure on her. If she shows, keep it light and just have a nice time, no strings attached, and for God's sake, no expectations. If she starts a R talk, maybe even go so far as to be polite but change the subject.

GH

[monchichi]

Hi HO...k women's point of view...we like man to be in auto gear (meaning man should have the initiative to do things for us women without us asking)

At your current situation maybe your wife is still angry with you for the pass years of neglect, lack of communication and attention. You have to be patient to show her that you are sincere and you are not showing her all these affection only when you realise you are losing her. Know what I mean by auto gear...don't wait till your women is packing her bag and leaving then you start showing her how important she is.

For the dinner, make is as casual as possible...don't try to give her flowers or bring her to some posh restaurant now cause we women will be thinking where are the flowers in the pass years! Warm up a little...maybe after a few outings then you surprise her with little thoughtful gifts.

Good luck and have fun!

[Hanging__On]

Well here I am again. I have been gone on business for a while and I am now back home where I belong. I got so home sick and I had a very rough time focusing on anything other than my sitch.

The W and I sat down yesterday for a few hours and had a pretty tough conversation about our future. I beleive that she is ready to throw in the towel. She said that she is tired of being in limbo also and that it was not fair to either of us, which I agreed. What I can't understand is how I have explained to her that I am willing to start fresh and create a marraige that we are both happy with but she is not intersted. She said she can't change the fact the she has never been able to communicate her feeling and she never will.

I am just really bumbed because I really thought we had a chance to save our marriage but she does not seem to be interested at all. I think I need to get on some meds because I can hardly function sometimes. Do they really help at all? Does this mean that it is time for me to change to the bid D forum? Everyone here has been so helpfull. It is incredibly hard to let someone go when they have been a huge part of your life for so many years. I just can't beleive this is happening. This is the worst nighmare I could ever imagine.

[shippd3]

man i know exactly how your feeling, my wife is saying the same things to me right now. my wife also cannnot communicate her issues to me either, and yes it is frustrating to say the least. i too am having a hard time staying the course and wanting to save my marriage. all i can tell you is keep up the faith that maybe someday she will come around and start communicating her feelings to you in a possitive way. best of luck to you, we are going thru the same thing with it sounds like the same type of wife.

[grasshopper]

HO, shippd,

You can count me in on that too. I know my sitch looks and sounds better than yours, but that same lack of W's ability to communicate her "issues" and feelings to me may eventually prove to be our downfall too...oh, and I don't discount my own ability to LISTEN to her as a problem too.

I know it hurts, to think you KNOW how to save your marriage, only to have her just keep walking. I guess that's why in the end, DB is as much about saving US as it is saving a marriage. It allows us to realize that we are not our marriages, rather our marriage is one part, one chapter in our lives that we can help along to a happy ending, but ultimatly, we are not the authors of.

HO, I have to think, at some point, even if it's "too late" our W's WILL eventually find a voice for their feelings. I've seen it happen many times. I hope in your case, it happens sooner rather than later.

GH

[Hanging__On]

Yes wise grasshopper. You are so right about the listening to what they are really saying is so important. I have been a poor listener in the past and I am trying to get better at it. The small little hints that I got along the way were not enought for me to think anything was wrong. I should have done better in that regaurd. I too hope she will become the optimist that I am when it comes to the marraige, but experience tells me that she is not ready to face her demons and her faults in all this. She thinks that I have sent this marriage down the toilet and she had nothing to do with it or she is so set in her ways that she has no intention of ever changing. I wish so deeply that she could understand that love can ber resurected and does not have to be lost forever. I just can't seem to get her on board with that ideal.

[grasshopper]

I wish so deeply that she could understand that love can ber resurected and does not have to be lost forever. I just can't seem to get her on board with that ideal.

In her own way, I think she probably feels the same way, like she tried for so long and you never got on board. I think it IS possible for her to still catch a ride with you but you have to understand that she has to book the trip even though you've lowered the price, stocked the galley with her favorite food and charted a course to paradise...she still has to buy the tickets, you can't buy them for her.

GH

[marcus33]

if you want to plan a, some thoughts

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

[grasshopper]

Marcus,

Plan A & B don't necessarily mesh with DB's princepals. This site is primarily used for each of us to encourage the other to apply the DB princepals correctly in hopes that if done right, THIS plan can work.

The "carrot" of plan A is essentially DB, but the stick is where things depart. Placing all that focus on the A and "exposing" the affair, etc, is decidedly anti-DB. There are MANY ways to go about this, and if following those plans, and the ideas of that author is what "feels" right to you, then there are a ton of people who can help in that respect, and an entire website designed to give you the info you need, just like this one is here to help with DBing.

Every sitch is different, and there are a LOT of ways to go about trying to deal with them. I encourage everyone to read as much as you can, from many different sources and then just go with the opinions you feel best suit your sitch and that most of all, that you can DO.

GH

[Hanging__On]

No disrespect, but I think I am way past plan A. Everyone in my town knows about the affair. I just beleive that things are not going to change. She seems to be so stubborn that I could walk on water and she does not care. It is ok though because all I can do is focus on myself.
I never really realized how much work it takes to keep a home picked up and somewhat clean. It seems as though the work is never done. The problem is that I am letting the chores outside go. Life is tough being single for the first time ever. I have never had to just rely so heavily on myself. I am sad that the dreams my W and I had so long ago are starting to fade away to only dreams of myself and my children. I guess life was going to good and something had to give. I just didn't think it would be our marraige.
The toughest thing to deal with right now is our children. D5 says everday that she wants mom and I to live in the same house again. It is abosolutely horrible see your children have to go through something as painfull as this. What a shame the whole situation is.