Right now, it’s my greatest hope that W gets another female perspective. Particularly my step-mom’s. She knows me. She knows my W. She knows menopause. And, she knows relationships. She’s an amazingly wise person. But, like I said, I may be reading too much into my W’s desire to contact her. I really hope not.
It’s so difficult to determine how much of her discontent has to do with me. She tells me that she spent a lot of time crying whilst I was gone. I was gone a lot in the past 10 years. I worked very hard. If it wasn’t overtime, it was weekends (and weeknights) away with the Naval Reserve. All of this work was exhausting, so I wasn’t “there” to help around the house, or help with the kids. When we went on vacation (her parents’ cottage), I didn’t feel at home, so I retreated into computer games and books. It’s only now that I realize how much she wanted me to “be there.” At the same time, I wasn’t meeting her needs for affection. She asked for it… holding hands, a “one-minute kiss” when I got home from work, etc. I was happy to accommodate, but she sees this as giving her affection on my timetable.
I know it wasn’t as bad as the way she paints it, but this is the way she remembers the past 10 years. How can I argue otherwise?
Saturday, she was out for most of the day. I spent the time washing floors, doing dishes, etc. with S#1. These are the types of things that I never did for her, so these are the types of things that I’m trying to do more of. Sometimes, it seems like too little, too late.
And, one thing that is a big possibility is that her book is correct with respect to perimenopause heightening her sense of injustice. The book calls this wisdom. A woman who has buried her own needs because she’s been conditioned by society and hormones to be the nurturer/fixer must listen to the wisdom of her body when it rebels against this. The funny thing is that over the past 10 years, I’ve told W that she should take care of herself first, OR (and me) second, and the kids third. My reasoning was that the kids will be happier if they see their parents in a good R, and we can’t have a good R if she’s not happy.
So, yeah. I guess all of this leaves me in the same place. DBing over the past year, I’ve taken great comfort in the baby steps. Looking at the long term, I’ve come a long way. For example, yesterday, we went to a movie with MF and his W. Seems like we can only go out if it’s with them, or at least him. But next week they’re going to be out of town. W thinks that maybe we should see a movie. We could ask TF and his W. “Or”, she said, “We could go alone.”
Yes, things have improved. But, it’s not enough. We were on my timetable. Now, we’re on her timetable. I only wish I knew how long it’s going to take to establish our timetable.
Matilda,
I know exactly what you mean. I haven’t been posting much to other threads lately. Partly because I don’t want to spread my own negativity, and partly because I don’t want to “catch” negativity from others.
Thank you very much for dropping by, despite my negative outlook. I really appreciate it.
It doesn’t look like the travel will happen. Seems like I can do most of my work from here.
On a happier note, S#1 won his first karate tournament medal. He got a silver in katas (forms). My karate is getting better, too. I was complimented by a sensei on Saturday. I don’t do tournaments, still have a long way to go. I had injured my leg, and am playing catch-up in the flexibility department. Doesn’t help to be 40-something, either
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