Andy, I can remember wearing awful things to bed and dodging H by saying stuff like I haven't showered and I want to be clean, etc. I started dressing in old stuff that really wasn't attractive. I rationalized that I was trying to save money but truth was I didn't want H getting any ideas. Why did I do this? H was not fulfilling me emotionally. I wanted his quality time and I wanted him to listen to my ideas and I wanted to have the stimulating conversations of our early years. He'd withdrawned those from me so I consciously withdrew my availability for sex. (He'd hurt me so' now I'd hurt him). I really did not want him to touch me. Bad move on my part. Then my libido took a hit as I slowly went hypothyroid. I also started gaining weight and feeling exhausted plus many other symptoms. I would advise any woman who suffers low libido to have a simple blood test done to rule out thyroid dysfunction. Once I returned to a healthy range I felt 110% different.
It has been difficult being the affection initiator/ sex initiator but somebody has to start building the bridge.
I don't know what to say that will help you. I just know that I want out of the emotional withdrawal phase of this M so I have to figure out what my H needs so that he will trust me again. Since the bomb we don't fight about prebomb stuff so I don't feel any conflict coming from H. He treats me like he would our sunday school teacher. I can approach him and not feel shut-out which frees me to do what I have to do to work in the R. As I work on us I realize H doesn't care (he told C that on a scale of 1 to 10 he's at a 7 as to his feelings of committment/passion toward me; I'd put it at a 4. Just goes to show perspectives. but---hey---he's here. I've lost my train of thought so I'll stop for now. Take care!
