I agree with Me2. Your wife is very lucky. You said before that looking for affection outside of your marriage or even threatening it is out of the question for you. I thought it was for my H, too. I would have bet my life on it. Now my life is forever changed. The pain will always be there on some level. I know we will make it, we are making it, but the A will always be there to some degree no matter how hard we try to push it away.
No matter what I did to contribute to the failure of our M (and his A did mean our M was a failure at that time), it is nothing compared to cheating! All of the other stuff could have been worked out, was being worked out. Breaking vows, lies, deception, betrayal are never truely "gotten over." We just learn how to live with it.
Heads up, Andy. You're a good man, not perfect, but certainly a good man.
lily… I had a look around, and couldn’t find the books locally. Will keep looking.
But right now, I think it’s time for me to let go. It’s hard for me to say it because my W has never said the words. She’s never said she doesn’t love me. On the contrary, she’s always – even at the worst of times – said that she does.
But her behavior contradicts this. I think she wants to get the love back, but only by passively waiting for it to return. I can’t fight it anymore. It’s time to admit that – at least for the time being – this is as good as it gets.
In her v-day card, she wrote, “I am sorry I hurt you. In spite of everything you are still by best friend.”
I guess that’s it. This morning, I made peace with this. Now, I’m a little sad, but I can tell that I’ll regain the peace.
I was once told by an aquantance whose son has cerebral palsy ( see So... you think YOU have problems? ) that life is not about being happy. It’s about finding peace.
I’m at peace now. My W is my best friend, and she says I’m hers.
She’s right that I have to live with the consequences of my actions. I’ve been working for quite some time now, at reversing these consequences by reversing my behavior, but not nearly as long as I’ve been doing the destructive behaviors.
My #2d, at the ripe old age of 5 once said, “Ca, c'est comme ça, parce-ce que c'est comme ça. C'est tout”
Translation: “That is like that because that’s the way it is. That’s all”
You were reading my mind (again) when you wrote that last reply...weren't you....
That's it. EXACTLY.
Hey Andy-that kid of yours is pretty darn smart, you know?
And you are right too; finding peace in what you have is the key. Not living in the past or hoping for things you may never have. The struggle here, for me, is that although I may make 'peace' with things the way they are, I will always on some level wish that they could be the way they were before the A (when I thought, as Matilda said-I would have bet my life on H's fidelity)....which means I have NOT really REALLY made 'peace'...huh.
ANS, I absolutely agree with the suggestion that you read "The Five Love Languages"! I was actually thinking about that one day while I was reading your thread, but for some reason was thinking that you had read it. I got my copy from amazon.com. I found it extremely enlightening! I would be willing to loan my copy out if you want, but first I would have to get it back from another DBer. Let me know if you'd like me to do that, okay?
I hope I didn't hurt your feelings the other day while putting my 2 cents worth in. That sure wasn't my intent!
It sounds like your W wants things to be better between you two. That's definitely a start.
I really appreciate your support and advice. Thank you so much!
And rayanne, you couldn’t possibly hurt my feelings. A friend who gives her honest opinion is not being hurtful. Besides, you’re not the first one to accuse me of being over-anylitical
I guess that I analyze things because I used to brush off my W’s complaints. Many of her complaints weren’t valid, and instead of “analyzing” them, I lumped them all together, and dismissed them.
So, now that I’m listening, I take everything she says seriously. Some of her complaints are still valid, some aren’t, but I always try to do something about them. If she has a valid complaint, then I try to 180. If they aren’t valid, then I try to find ways of changing my behavior so that she won’t perceive it the same way. Just trying to change my image.
The reason I haven’t ordered the book is that if W saw it, she would think I’m trying to find ways to change her. She tried the book route on me, and I didn’t bite. I don’t want her to think I’m trying to manipulate her.
But, you’re right rayanne. W does want to make things better.
She has no sexual feelings for me, and I see no evidence of affection. She told me that she’s trying not to “lead me on.” She made a big effort to choose a neutral v-day card for that reason. That hurt so much! She told me that the reason she hurt me on v-day is so that the next one will be better.
I've been really busy at work. Had to move all the furniture, etc. out of my office last Friday so new furniture could be moved in on Tuesday. Since that day I've been moving all my stuff back in, putting it away, trying to remember where I put it, etc. My computer was in a heap on the floor for about 5 days.
Anyway, I just caught up on your thread. I'm trying to find peace right now as well. I can't and won't continue to allow this drama to affect every aspect of my life every minute of every day. Stress is a real killer.
If you figure out how to gain that peace we're all looking for, please let me know?
Here you are Andy! I wondered what happened to you. I hopped over here to catch on to some people that have gotten back together after being separated to ask what they did while they were where I am now. He's still gone after 4 months. ME-trying still to DETACH. Some days good, some days, impossible. I still have a problem not contacting him, waiting on him. It's called fear. Fear that he won't, but I am getting better-I'm going for longer periods of times w/o contacting him. When we are together I am learning to shut up and listen to what ever it is he has to say no matter how ludicrous it is-and that is no easy feat. SO.....for all you that were separated and wondering if you were EVER going to get your S to come home, please tell me, in your opinion what was it you did or did not do that was most instumental in getting your S to reconsider and give your R another try?? RACHAEL
How many times in the past would we zip into a card store and buy one that fit the Holiday and not worry about the message inside the card? I had a hard time at Christmas and V Day finding cards that didsn't infer to much yet had a touch of my perspective on R (PMA). The one card my H bought was (he says) thrown in the trash 'cause he didn't "feel" the emotional sentiment of the card.
Appreciate that your W took the time to look at the cards. She bought it. She gave it to you.
This is good.
Andy, I don't know how long you've been reading my posts. At some point, when I'd read enough of the R books, I realized that I had been a potential WAW. Yeah, me.
I was stressed to the max, tired to the max, physically ill, and my H conflicted w me at every emotional turn. Two summers ago he hurt me to the core of my being and I emotionally shut-down. I was just going to be the mother of the children and be the wife who worked her butt off to keep us financially well-off and not get in her H's way. Unlike you, my H had stuffed years of anger and his pride wasn't about to let him try(care) to fix our M. If I hadn't shut down, H wouldn't have stepped out of our M until S graduated then he would have left. Because of the way things went H wanted the D two years early. I think that he figured that he was going to hurt me for hurting him (my withdrawal).He's the one who trashed the marriage but I'm the one who gave up first. I have to trust me to trust him so he can trust me.
Andy, sometimes you just gotta analyse things. I've been able to accept my responsibility in our current situation because I did my mental/emotional research.
Other times, you just gotta duct tape your thought processes and go with the flow.
You’re right about the card. She’s trying. I know that. I don’t think we need to build the trust anymore, though. I think it’s there. Of course, it has to be maintained.
Like I posted before, the only thing that seems to be missing is the affection. And, I have to say it. The sex.
W is trying to make things easier for me by “not leading me on..” She says she’s trying not to encourage me. It’s very discouraging. She withdraws from me when I attempt physical contact. She wears the most horrible sexless flannel PJs and changes into them in the bathroom. She avoids anything that could be construed as flirting
It doesn’t make it easier. It’s just a constant reminder of what’s missing.
I recently asked her if she wants to stop any physical contact (cuddling, etc.), or just sex. She said she never asked for either to stop.
She once told me that she totally lost her libido, and that she didn’t miss it. On another occasion, she told me that she was as surprised as I was that her libido is gone. I think the spate of criticism that’s been coming out of our OR talks are not intended to cut me down, but rather to try to make sense out of this, and perhaps to preempt any attempts by me to blame her.
She no longer feels pressure from me, but it’s hard to accept her lack of affection and desire for me. It’s not like I can work on this myself either. If I wanted meaningless affection or meaningless sex, I could just go out and get a $10 hooker. Or maybe an A would be more convenient. Would that be good DBing? “What have you done for yourself lately, Andy? Take care of you! Let W do her thing. You should move on.”
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