I've posted here a few times before regarding my LD husband. It's helped a little; if only to reassure myself that I am normal.
To recap briefly, I'm 3 yrs into my 2nd marriage. First lasted 21 years (way too long) 3rd M for my current H.
I know we love each other. And he is the perfect H in always except in bed. He's been this way since the first time we ML. But I was so much in love, that I didn't care at first. Plus, I thought he was just a little shy and once we got more comfortable with each other, he would be a little better. Wrong!
Basically, through conversations (some really painful) I think I know whats wrong. I suspected from the beginning that he was shy (inhibited) At first I thought it was cute, I blushed and changed the subject if I said something like "Wow, do I have cramps, I think my period is about to start" One time, when we first met, I mentioned my birth control method which was the diaphram. He said "what's that?" When I started to explain, he suddenly said "Nevermind, I don't think I want to hear about it." Now I start to get a little worried, his inhibition and very plain sex, always with the lights off and only at night was starting to make sense. He is the kindest, most generous man I know -- out of the bedroom. But I don't think its meaness that makes sex so bad. As time went on, I realized he was so misinformed about the female body. And most attempt I made to explain something made him very uncomfortable. This only a night thing and only in the dark is very weird. He has a great body and I 'm in good shape, whats the prob. He doesn't even let me see him naked in the shower. And I refuse to be like that so I change in front of him all the time. He actually averts his eyes. Another weird thing is he loves for me to dress sexy. He likes to look at me in a bathing suite, shorts, what ever and he likes to dress well in a way that shows his nice build. He also is in no way shy around other people. He'll start a conversation with anyone, loves to go to parties, go dancing, socialize with friends or stranger. However, he is not a flirt. Nor will he tolerate the slightest bit of flirting with me or by me. He had a bad first marriage, which included her having an affair, and he caught her and him in their own bed. So I understood and respected this attitude from the beginning and I have never acted inappropriately toward any other man, Ever..! He will agree with this statement.
Well anyway, for a while I thought it was mostly misinformation about a women's body. So I enlighted him when ever I could, ignoring his blushes. Pretty soon I started being more direct about what I needed. I've never been very shy about sex or my body, but he was starting to make me self-conscious.
Finally, things came to a head about 2 months ago, I blew up one morning after another sleepless night and threatened to leave him. I wasn't playing mind games, I thought I meant it. But the minute the words were out, my heart felt broken, no .... crushed... I can't even begin to describe the pain. I can't give him up.
So I insisted we see a sex therapist, So far, I've been once, alone, he has been once, alone. Next we will go together. After my session: I felt the therapist understood my position exactly, I felt she would help me help him get over what ever his hang ups where, I felt encouraged. Then, he had his session, I was really nervous, I new he was already feeling like I just wanted too much. That I was mean for even suggesting he wasn't "The Man". I was never mean. Just honest. and the truth really hurt him. He was nervous too, and I really thought he would storm out at the first thing the therapist said. (Remember, I thought she was on my side)
Well, when he came out of the office, he looked ok, in fact he was smiling, and relaxed. I hesitated to ask but eventually I asked "how'd it go"
He wouldn't give any details, but he said he felt very encouraged too. He said, just like I had been saying, it really was a fixable problem, and he agreed we had a great marriage except for sex. So far, so good... "anything else" i asked...Well she said its not all my fault" "What's not your fault" I asked, He gave no specific answer, but stated that the therapist asked if I masterbate. Ok, I didn't see that one coming. I thought a minute and concluded that see must think I'm having trouble with orgasms. He have tried to hint without talking about my first marriage, that I have never had a problem with this. I just need the right kind of foreplay. I could even say that I'm fairly easy to bring to orgasm. Or I used to be, after 3 years of frustration and starting to feel self-conscious and not knowing what he is thinking has made it hard at times even if he puts in the right effort. For one thing, I get the feeling he when he does push the right buttons, he is only doing to keep my from getting mad. He acts like my body is kind of gross to him (part of this, I'm sure, has to do with misinformation.)
Well to sum up, I want to know if anyone has ever heard of teaching someone to be less inhibited. The therapist mentioned something called desensatization. Achieved by just exposing him to sex conversation. This is something I had been doing very recently. Telling him things whether he wanted to hear them or not. Getting undressed, in fact parading around naked or half naked like it was the most natural thing in the world (it is to me) But then there are still times I protect his delicate senses.
What do you do with a forty three year old prude? We will continue therapy, but getting him to participate in discussions or do the "home work" assignments of the therapist is like pulling teeth. I'm getting tired of the struggle. I would like to know if anyone else has ever experienced this, what they think causes it, and how do you cure it. I won't settle bad sex much longer. I feel like a cat in heat...plus it just plain hurts my feelings. Also, I need to ML. I literally ache with desire at times. But not just physically, sometimes I just want to feel him. I refer to it as my heart wants sex right now. These are times when he gets to just have fun and not worry about satisfying me. Sometimes, after so much alone time, I just need him. With or without orgasm.
So this was really long, but really there is so much I didnt say. Any feedback is much appreciated.
