lily… I had a look around, and couldn’t find the books locally. Will keep looking.
But right now, I think it’s time for me to let go. It’s hard for me to say it because my W has never said the words. She’s never said she doesn’t love me. On the contrary, she’s always – even at the worst of times – said that she does.
But her behavior contradicts this. I think she wants to get the love back, but only by passively waiting for it to return. I can’t fight it anymore. It’s time to admit that – at least for the time being – this is as good as it gets.
In her v-day card, she wrote, “I am sorry I hurt you. In spite of everything you are still by best friend.”
I guess that’s it. This morning, I made peace with this. Now, I’m a little sad, but I can tell that I’ll regain the peace.
I was once told by an aquantance whose son has cerebral palsy ( see So... you think YOU have problems? ) that life is not about being happy. It’s about finding peace.
I’m at peace now. My W is my best friend, and she says I’m hers.
She’s right that I have to live with the consequences of my actions. I’ve been working for quite some time now, at reversing these consequences by reversing my behavior, but not nearly as long as I’ve been doing the destructive behaviors.
My #2d, at the ripe old age of 5 once said, “Ca, c'est comme ça, parce-ce que c'est comme ça. C'est tout”
Translation: “That is like that because that’s the way it is. That’s all”
