Great to hear from you on this forum. I'm not quite used to being here are you? It feels a little weird (I do love it here though). I can't tell you Sky, how much your words mean to me. It was just the pick-me up I needed. Wow, sometimes I can't remember what I was like when we were dating. The difference was that back then, I was just ME without thinking about being ME. Sky, there is something I haven't shared with you, because I am trying oh so hard to forget. H told me before he came home, that he was in a "relationship". He ended the relationship because he wanted to try with me. It was like being stabbed with a knife, and I felt this painful-like heat rising through my body. I never dreamed he was dating anyone. And then I think, I must be an idiot. We were apart two years, what did I think would happen? I told him I dated also (somewhat of a white lie-I met an old friend for coffee a few times-I wouldn't exactly call it dating). Anyway, it hurt. Other friends who have not been through this would not understand. They'd say, well you WERE separated you know. It does not hurt any less because you were separated. Anyway, I find it even more difficult to build trust after knowing this. One of my best friends saw my H with her. I'm happy she didn't tell me at the time. It would have KILLED me I think. And, it would have changed my attitude towards my H. So I gave her a HUGE thankyou. She finally told me after I told her that H told me he was dating. She decided to tell me because she wanted me to get the idea out of my head that she was some kind of beautiful, sexy goddess (which is exactly what I was picturing). My friend couldn't believe that H was actually with this person. Not only did my friend say this, but so did her H and several other people at the party. I feel mean saying this as well-why does it matter what someone looks like anyway, but I'm glad she wasn't attractive.
Wow, sorry to be so long winded. I'm trying to look at the positive. He was in a relationship, and STILL he chose to come home, so I guess she couldn't have been so great. I guess I want everything to feel "natural" with us RIGHT NOW. I find myself wondering if he thinks about her, is he happy, is he doubting his decision? All this is kept inside of course. We have not had any relationship talks since he came home.
Sky, about how long did it take before you felt comfortable with each other again? Do you feel free to give him affection whenever you feel like it, or do you hold back?
I'll look forward to your reply. Love you. I think of you so often. I'm thinking about your father, and I hope you are coping. Did you quit your job? One more thing-I do need to remind myself that I'm pretty teriffic. I get so caught up in who he is (handsome, smart, successful, and he gets told this quite often through business (heck he was in the paper the other day) that it diminishes me inside. I need to work on this. Love you.
Rachel:
Hi Rachel. Although my H is home, please understand that I don't yet feel like a successful DB yet. That will take some time. I will answer your question though. When my H left, I'd say for six months or more, I would go through patterns of being great and happy around him.These happy times would last a few weeks, and it gave me expectations, and we'd have the dreaded "talks" which he absolutely hated, and would set us back miles. It would takes us days and then weeks to recover from these talks. They accomplished absolutely nothing.I wanted the pain over with, and I wanted it over with NOW. My best advice to you is LET HIM COME TO YOU. It feels much better. Be your best, happy self. Go out, focus on new things. Take the focus off of him. Have him wonder why you are so happy. Don't be so available. STOP, STOP the pursuit. No relationship talks. Be his friend, with no expectations. It's a lot of work. My H needed to feel safe with me again. I needed to stop looking at him as my H because that meant I had expectations of him. DROP the expectations. I know, I know how hard it is. Fake it till it feels natural to you, and it will. I hope this has helped.
