Hi Loretta, Im sooo glad to hear it's working. Of course you are still going to have ups and downs and please, please keep us informed. My stage is getting closer, I love you's have been exchanged with "no one makes me feel as safe as you do" and we lightly discussed getting back together. She says she is still a little confused but nothing is more important and she misses our little family (no kids just dogs). She evn had our rings out on Sunday and cried because she missed us. She knowswhere I stand, I lover her so very much and want to be back but I'm not pursuing or asking and I think she see's this now. She evn said I was being strong. Underneath I want to be back but she responds so much better to me when I completly back-off. Anyway, our progress is much better, we shall see. Your sit is interesting because of the work that needs to be done even when you are back together. I would try and not focus on the vase, I know this is so important to you. But don't base your happiness on a full vase. I agree, I cant believe he don't get it. I mean, you get soo much more with honey then with vinegar..I dont know why he is shooting himself in the foot, I mean all this work he has done to be back and he cant stop for $25.00 roses or a mixed set of flowers to make you happy..It sounds like he is holding onto someting by not buying them..I mean come on, he must know what you want but maybe he is fighting himself with this one..I dont know, is he a stubborn man? He is acting like he doesnt know and he forgot but I know if you married him he isnt a stupid man...I think there is some reason why he isnt getting them...I would suggest letting it go for now....put the vase away...let him see there is no pressure and see what happens....this is showing me that if and when my wife and I get back together that I pay attention to anything that she needs, wether it's small or large..talk to you soon..
I would have settled with a $4.99 bunch of flowers from basic. Yes you are right put the vase away. I have. I think all the alcohol he has drank over the years has caused him to loose a few brain cells. I do notice he is forgetful and that he had blank moments when he was MLCing doesnt remember events pictures that were taken. I think he was doing alot of drinking when he was away.
I think it is true what I have read that when alcohol is in the relationship you dont have a relationship.
I am so happy for you with all your small steps. I hope you really get what you want and you and your w live happily ever after. And that you get the love you so rightly deserve. I took my wedding ring and hid it, I said I threw it away that it didnt mean anything to him so I wouldnt be wearing that ring again. I have to start fresh with a new one. Not that a new one has been offered to me. I guess if I cant get any flowers out of him I wont be getting a new ring either.
I had a fabulous day at work,I am so happy to be alive and healthy. I pray God keeps me this way for a longtime.
Keep in touch, You are handling things beautifully, Loretta
I do notice you are putting so much expectations on this, try, try and pull back a little. Your expectations could be set so high when this is a time for less pressure. You know my W who is a very bright woman and very analytical forgot several words, key words we had in several conversations. She swore she never said certain things, go figure because I know what I heard. But maybe it was totally out of fear and frustration and survival. I keep reading throughout these posts, "never believe what they say and only 50% of what they do". Hmmm, it makes you wonder just how accurate these patterns we all experience are. I do know this, my W has been responding so much better with NO, I mean zero pressure from me. Maybe Loretta it's time you changed your tactics for now, take a different approach. Don't lose what you have worked so hard to gain, you deserve the happiness as well. And FYI, stop blaming the alcohol....Keep your ring close, you will be wearing it again....don't hurt him by saying you threw it away, you might regret you ever said that if he comes around and you have your husband back....I think you are still in a critical phase and the less pressure, the better. Stop kicking a dead horse, it will not get up and trot for you. Find another horse and teach it new ways. Good luck and much happiness. I will say a prayer for you and your husband...
Thank you for responding, it is nice to put your thoughts down so someone else can get into your head and help you sort things out.
When H wasnt home I did the same thing with no pressure and yes the monkey came into the cage several times and looked around. He is staying in the cage longer periods before he has to run again. I know I have backslided a few times when before I was so strong with DBing. It is hard when the person is right in your face and you are starting to fall in love all over again to not want to make it even better together.
You are right Testa about kicking a dead horse. I guess I have got all I am going to get out of my horse. What did you mean when you said find another horse?
Just to update you H did forget the flowers again. I didnt say anything. I think he really wants to get the flowers, but he wants it to be his idea. He wrote it down to help him remember.
We went out last night to Comedywood, had a few good laughs. We are in the process of selling our cottage another one near by. This is what I love about this man he is hard working, highly motivated and I can now add good father, loves his kids and is trying really hard with them to win their trust back again and I can also add a more affectionate and loving husband.
So you are right I have to pull back and no pressure. I guess if I can keep that one rule in my head for a h who has returned home that shouldnt be to hard.
I was continuing to not be available short calls on the phone and keeping him guessing. I think I should stop because it is giving mixed messages. I need to remember to enjoy my life and not smother him.
Find a different Horse, what I ment was change your strategy, the Horse represents your strategy (The Flowers Enigma). What's interesting is where you aee at this point. Do you slow down on DBing and return to back to you (with new idea's and behaviour) or do you continue to DB fora while. When can we stop once we are re-united? This will be your next level. When to stop DBing and the madness and return once again to a healthy relationship...another words, instead of one eye on your marriage and one eye on an exiting strategy. When does it ALL end, at one point can you focus both eyes on your marriage and feel complete trust and love again. Find that Loretta and please keep us (me) informed. All of us are pioneers through this and we all learn from others. That's the beauty of this web site, we all can learn where others are. So good luck. One suggestion, maybe at some point you need to sit down w/ H and have a very serious heart to heart. Talk about a\"are we here to stay" and "are we going to make this last forever" so you both can relax and enjoy life again....Thank you Loretta for sharing your life with us....I wish you ALL the happiness..
Hi Loretta, this must be tough, H is back home but you still feel insecure. The flowers might be a symbol to you that he really cares, as much it is for me if my H would just wear his ring and for somebody else it might be another thing.
Remember that DBing does not stop here. PATIENCE is still the #1 rule
Doing what works, remember? Maybe you need a break and think that through and make a few notes. I fear you are backsliding in some old habits you might have had.
Was he always forgetful about flowers? (yes), Did he always forget about calling? (maybe yes?)
Rule is, you can only control yourself; that does not change just because he is at home, working on your R.
Here is an idea: Buy some candy, like little easter eggs, and fill the vase with it. It will look decorative and you will give the message, that you have given up on the flowers and have found a new job for the vase.
Or go and buy a few flowers yourself for the weekend, because the vase looks "naked". Just don't rub it in.
Remember the basic rules of DBing, as hard as it may be to have to continue the work, but there is still a lot of tension in your R and you are starting to rub OW in his face and become nagging.
I hope you have a nice weekend and think about what I wrote. I mean it!
I just read your reply to another situation about your H sex drive. I'm like you, I enjoy sex very much (scorpio and Italian) and I love the female anatomy. I could have sex once a day if not more but my W like to wait for the right time. We alaways enjoyed a good sex life, we pleased each other and explored new passionate areas. Since our D we have been in OR, mine stopped 7 months ago because I wanted to be back w/ my W and have been working on me, no OR. She however has been confused and she does not llike to be alone and has been in 2 OR. I think she is realizing that we had so much love and caring and I think she is coming arounD. The I love you's and respect and caring and the trust is resurfacing. She has said, no one makes me feel as safe as you and are you still thinking of getting back together. Mind you, the ball is in her court. Since she has not had time to herself (OR) she hasnt been able to take time to work on her. I think now the OR could be disolving and she is thinking of us again. Im just afraid of losing her, but she has been so much more consistent w/ me and I have backed off and focused entirely on me and I think it is showing. I havent had sex since I left my last relationship and I'm busting at the seems. I am not looking or even thinking about it. My focus is on getting my W back. So, Im frustrated sexually and emotionally. Hang in there and good luck to you, your husband doesnt know just how lucky he is to have a W who enjoys the bedroom.....
Rapunzel, You are so right, I really slipped back to the old me. I dont need to do that anymore. I dont like how I feel when this happens. I did take a walk and did all my crying a ranting when Friday night came and he didnt bring home any flowers. Earlier in the day my best girlfriend came to work with a beautiful bouquet of flowers. I hid it when I got home in hopes H would pull through for me. I had to go out to take kids to youth centre. I was gone longer then I should have. Visting my Dad. When I came back to the house I put girlfriends flowers in a vase and place them on the kitchen table. H came in upstairs said where have you been so long and he saw the me putting the flowers on the table. He said why did you go and buy them, I wanted to get them for you. I just said a week has gone buy I dont want to do this anymore. It is Ok I can buy flowers anytime I want some. He was upset that I did this. He came to me later kissed me on the cheek and said the flowers are really pretty. I didnt get that comment.
Anyways on Saturday we were out and he must have gone into the florist because he came up behind me with a bunch of flowers. I was so happy. I asked him how come he bought them for me. He just said because I wanted to.
We had a great weekend, He really has changed for the very best. I cant believe this is happening. I am waiting for the bubble to burst. I want to change my thread and remove other women hanging around. I dont think that is the case at this point in time.
We are in the process of purchasing a new cottage. The house that he bought when he left us he is putting it up for sale. He has been drywalling the basement all weekend with my help. We have had lots of fun. I have to focus on the positive gains and keep my head out of the sand. Thanks Rapunzel I needed that. And you are right flowers never did come easy Ok in phone calls department. I have let him know what is exceptable for me and now I have to let it go and start living again.
Testa, it is really hard to hold back who I really am. But I know now it is smothering and I have to do it with this man. It is also to my advantage to wait becuase all the good comes my way when I do. I havnt read much on relationships when both partners have had another relationship. I wish you and your W the best of luck in reconciling. I am glad that I decided to wait. I have heard over this weekend three girlfriends who have made different choices. Children are suffering, they are into second relationship. Alot of unhappiness. I am glad I found DBing when I did or I might be in the same situation they are. Take care Rapunzel and Testa, Thanks for all your kindness, Loretta
Hello Loretta, firstly congratulations for being here, I so envy you. I posted this question on Optimistic's thread but thought I would ask you the same question:
"My h has been gone 3 months now although he dropped the bomb 10 months ago. He has no one else and has moved back in with his mum, we have been married for 25 years (24 when the bomb was dropped). For the past 3 months I have hardly seen or heard from him, did your H have a period when he first left where he didn't contact you?? and if he did how did you dbust when you didn't see or hear from him??"
![[Big Grin]](images/icons/grin.gif){kind=icon}