My wife came back and when she picked up our dog we had a great talk and she asked me for a hug, I mean the kind that says I love you and I miss you. I kissed her on the cheek and told her that I cared for her and she said the same to me....I know we love each other, it's just so hard....
Testa, How long at a time have you gone without seeing your W. Since she left. I read a book that said it takes 6 weeks to really know if you love and miss this person in your life. I know with my H not one day went past that he didnt call us. I did go dark for 1 week at a time. On good terms saying I cant take the pain and I really need a break. This really confirmed how he felt about me and how I felt about him. He was too depressed to go longer. It seemed when I went dark the kids quickly caught on and they jumped on the band wagon and wouldnt talk with him. They at one point both crying on the couch, I cant speak to him anymore mommy it makes us to sad. I had to ask him to give us all a complete break. He said so many times he wanted to call the house, and he thought for sure the kids would call. So just an idea to start and turn the tides for you if you are constantly connected to her by phone, E-mail etc. she doesnt have to miss you.
We have been apart for at least 5-6 weeks and as you know it was very difficult. I don't think my W thought she was going to miss me but we have too strong a bond/love between us. In fact she has said I need you in my life and don't want to detach. Since our last silence we have been communicating regularly and it's been very consistent and very positive. In fact 2 nights ago she came to pick up our dog that I was sitting and she asked me for a hug, not a friend hug but a " I love you" and " I miss you " hug...we said we cared for each other and we are there for each other no matter what...It has always been her and I and it still is...I just don't know where she is at....she is in OR but I'm not worried at all, it's a total rebound and it's been going on for maybe 3-4 months...but she needs someone there...so, she see's the change in me in fact my therapist and friends see the change in me.....and it's very positive....I know we have a strong bond, 13 years of it.....I'm just keeping my distance, it seems to get a reaction from her..she is making all the contact....and it seems to be positve and more and more consistent.....I know she wouldn't be doing this if she was very serious about someone else, she doesn't operate that way.....so, I'm wondering how she will cross the line to come home....the baby steps are very tiny and slow..but positive...what do you think?
This is unusual but, when we split last year she jumped into relationship..it wa up and down and back and forth..it was horrible because we really missed each other and were like fish out of water..but she was very confused...she broke up with him once but he pulled her back....then, get this...they went away on a long weekend and when she came back she said to me, I love you, no one treats me like you and how do we get this back...well, we went that week to a marriage counseller and spent time over the weekend together...that Monday evening he died of a heart attack...Well, she plunged into a deep depression not to mention 2 days later, yes 2 days our dog of 9 years whom we both adored died of pneumonia...well needless to say all that I worked for went right out the window...she was suicidal and went immediatly on anti-depressents...we clung together ...long story..she went to counselling and therapy and somewere along the line she met a therapist, I think it might have been this guys friend...anyway Nov 1st she tells me again, I love you and I see you coming home...but she clinched her fist and said, I need to do this to be complete...well, 3 weeks went by and I asked her to lunch...I knew something wasnt right because she was acting very distant...and sure enough the bomb dropped..Im seeing someone and he might be moving in....we should move on w/our lives...and it might be best if you pick up all your things...well that was the 1st of December, so I gave her space and backed off for 4 weeks until the beginning of January...well guess what...my things are still there and she missed the hell out of me over the holidays...since then she has said I need you in my life and this relationship is not what you think...I said I need more consistency and if this relationship is more than what I think then we should detach...well, she has been very consistent and our communication has improved so much...in fact I am beginning to watch our other dog and she is acting like the woman I use to know...she has stopped her medication and has changed since then....we have had breakfast together and get this, openned up a joint savings account and she gave me her credit card for emergencies...I havent questioned anything, Im just letting her do what she wants...really backing off (she responds to me better this way) and no pressure....it's just baby steps but really picking up....we do love each other very much...its just hard trying to read where she is at...my therapist Dr Goetz author of "Getting Back Together" has been my coach for 7 months and has been there for every step of the way says, that Nancy is moving closer and feeling very warm to me....but that I must continue doing what I'm doing....hell of a story huh....I like what you have done w/ giving it a year to make sure that's what H wants....Im just patanoid about what happened before...she really has been through so much...but when we talk, it's the Nancy I use to know......
When we are talking it is better now then before. I think you are moving along slowly and this is hard but it just seems to be the way it has to be. I just finished reading DR that really helped to pull the whole picture together for me. I think I am handly things well. He is pursuing me. Actually he went to a cottage in North Bay with the boys(I am sure because he called last night when they got there and they all wanted to talk with me. I made a lasagna for all of them.)
Now that he has returned home and is intersted in working on the relationship I have to set the changes in motion that I expect from him. DR has made that job easier for me. For example the one I am working on right now is he bought me flowers at Valentines day and the small vase has been sitting empty on the counter for several days now. I put a note beside it. I need more flowers love Loretta. He never said anything about the note so a few days later I asked him if he saw the note. He said yes. But still hasnt done anything about it. He asked me to do several things for him which I did. When he came home and asked if this this and this was done. I said yes. Then I said did you bring me anything. He said OH No I forgot. I said you didnt forget to asked me for everything you needed from me. You know whatI said I would like that vase kept filled all the time. I think you could spend 4 dollars on me once and awhile to do that. He didnt answer later that night he said I feel like having a beer. He siad do you have any money I said no. He checked his pockets and came up with the change to get himself a 6 pack. I went to pick up the kids at skating he went to get his beer. No flowers. This man needs some big time lessons in giving even though he is home he is still thinking of himself. I really want to get this flower thing happening. Not so much that i need the vase full but the fact he goes out and thinks of me and gets the flowers. I will show how much I appreciate it he will like that I am happy and want to do more. If I dont get this momenteum going we are not going to make it. I may sound childish but I need it. It is not so much buying me the flowers but it is the fact that I am controlling him forcing him to do this spend his money on something else but me.
This was always a real problem with him, he was always in control of the money and since he has come home I made it clear that he has no access to my money he gives me 1000.00 per month and I take care of everything else. Otherwise he takes all the money invests it and we dont have a penny to have fun. Foster child always had to know were the next buck was coming from.
Overall he is more attentive, coming home after work, calling when he leaves work and calling me at work during the day to touch base. So he has come through on all of these items. I am just making my next move sloooowly....
Does anybody have any ideas on how I can turn this poor rich man around. Or do you think I am being childish? I give 100%, I know this is my first mistake, lunches, supper, clean clothes I never minded doing it before know I need some appreciation. And because he doesnt do any of the above and I dont want to start making an issue of that. I thought of this idea with the vase. My next move is to take him to the grocery store and walk by the flowers to show him were he can go to get a cheep punch.
Loretta, Try putting the vase away and don't say anything, see what happens. What do you think of my situation. She is dropping off our dog tonite because she is leaving for a business trip fpr 4 days. She IS beginning to slowly depend on me..Is this good?
Loretta, I am thinking about what testa said, about putting the vase away. Of course I can't reach you the water, you have all that experience and I have not accomplished anything; I was just thinking about the perception of nagging in Michelles book, if you keep bringing up flowers he might see it as nagging.
Testa and Rapunzel, I just read your advice about the vase. I should, have taken Unfortunately this new problem developed. I had a great weekend with friends, kids and family. H went to a cottage up North with 2 male friends he called on Saturday night to touch base. I was busy getting ready to go out and happy to hear from him but cut him off quickly. I thought he might come home Sunday night with flowers. When he came home Sunday all hell broke loose because he showed up at 8:00 never called to say he would be late. States he never even thought about it. He was in a happy mood happy to see us and I got really angry because he didnt call. I know according to DBing rules I blew it big time. Then I asked him were are my flowers, he said I havent had time to get them I wasnt anywhere to get flowers, coffee shop, gas station.
Monday he couldnt go to work because he was upset that I felt he was doing something he wasnt and didnt trust him. He had been out to run some errands and guess what the vase was still empty. He didnt think about it again. I said you are deliberatly not getting me those flowers because it is something I want. It is a small way you could show your appreciation for me. I gently put the vase in the garbage with him watching and he said why are you doing that. I said lets just forget about it. He took the vase out of the garbage put it on the counter and said I will get you some flowers.
Tuesday he also stayed home because he was upset Monday night because D went after him for not calling on Sat and Sun. She didnt know he called on Sat. He got mad I started crying and I guess I finally couldnt keep a happy face on anymore and had to let it all out. He couldnt comfort me, I just got made I said to him when you were depressed crying what did I do I put my arms around you held you and told you it is going to be alright. I never made you feel bad for your feelings. I asked him what OW had to give him that I wasnt. He said not a thing. He asked me if i wanted him to leave. I asked him if he wanted to leave. He said no this is my home and I love you and want to stay. It was a real cleansing for both of us and I hope all this bad Dbing is heading in the right direction for me. Because I am strong now and am demanding things I never would have before.
Tuesday I worked half a day H and I went out for lunch. He compained how much I was costing him, I let that go. He laughed had fun. When I got home before we went for lunch I went right to the vase. It was empty. I didnt say anything. Wednesdy,Things seem to be back on the straight and narrow. I hope when he comes home tonight He will bring me flowers and I hope my behaviour of getting angry which is a 180 for me prevents him from being thoughtless again. Because I cant live like that anymore. Testa, Your question about the dogs sounds great Because I have totally gone against the grain I am afraid to give any advice. My relationship may not survive my the new person I have become through dbing. I hope it does because I do love him. I have been letting him know what I want. I guess this is working on the foundation of our relationship because I cant live in a one sided, selfish relationship. Thanks in advance, Loretta
...case of the empty vase. My h was home real early. I was out to pick up son. I walked into kitchen. He was upstairs hopefully arranging my flowers upstairs because my vase was empty in the kitchen. He came downstairs came over to me gave me a look oh no I forgot. I just smiled didnt say anything. He kissed me nicely. We had a fun evening working on the basement. Lots of hugs. I guess all my ground breaking foundation that I am trying to lay is working. I just want to be happy have fun not have difficult thoughts and enjoy each other. I do feel very energetic and blessed. So happy that I found DBing. Thanks guys for listening. Testa, Rapunzel what is happening in your sit. Loretta
