Hi tree. We had a little fun here while you were away. Of course, I have a warped concept of fun.
Glad to hear your Mother's Day was nice.
Didn't remember that FFC had condoned FC in H's mind. That doesn't say too much for her. And I can't blame you one bit for you not wanting him around her. Obviously, H has told you she condones it, so (knowing me) you won't be surprised to hear that maybe this is a good time to tell him why you don't want him there. Does FFC condone his fantasy or the idea that H would want someone other than you? (Maybe, FFC has a fantasy crush on H. - Phoe, that is the type of thing that justs pops into my head!) I don't think I like FFC!
What exactly is the nature of the work to do with FFC? And what (other than the obvious) do you need for him to do at home?
Ultimately, you have to decide what it is that will work for your marriage. But, I am a firm believer that there is no time like the present.
tree, the reason that I think the way I do in your situation is because I knew a guy once who sat on the fence until his marriage was over. The pain that he felt over that (and still feels) is excruciating. Only one time can I think of a situation where his wife told him to do something in no uncertain terms and he reacted as she wished. Everything else fell by the wayside. He lived in his own little world for almost 15 years. And when he finally showed signs of coming out, she was gone.
One other thing, if you get a chance to visit with me someday off the board, I would like to ask you a few software industry questions.
Y'know, tree. This sounds soooooooooo much like the evolution of my comfort zone with W's MF.
I've had to learn to live with it. I don't know if you will, but it's a possiblity.
In any case, you're going to have to decide if you can live with it or not. If not, then don't beat around the bush.
If you effectively Drop hints, it comes off as manipulation, guilt trips, emotional blackmail. The other possible outcome is that he won't even catch on.
If you're going to tell him how you feel, just tell him how you feel. But, it's all in the wording.
Can you say it without sounding accusatory? Something like, "I know that nothing's going on, but I can't shake the bad feelings."
quote:Originally posted by ANS: If you effectively Drop hints, it comes off as manipulation, guilt trips, emotional blackmail. The other possible outcome is that he won't even catch on.
and
Something like, "I know that nothing's going on, but I can't shake the bad feelings."
I agree 100% with Andy.
It sounds like you feel very strongly about this..so go for it. Use "I" satements.Don't get defensive..keep it simple
Hmmm kinda fence sitting myself on this one. Telling your feelings is a good thing but making sure they are received the way you send them is probably the most difficult thing people can do. Even those in solid healthy relationships. I kinda like the approach ... this comming from Mr Obsessive ... of deciding and stating this is where Im going. Thats it. No it would be nice if you joined us on the journey, no I wish you felt the same way, no I hope it is what you want. It is kinda like an ultimatum but more empowering because it is really just what you are doing. And it doesn't carry the ultimatum "can't change my mind" mantra. Of course this is from a guy coming off a high. Bet those lobsters were yum yum yummy!
You know, I've always been impressed that you actually have boundaries. I've never been good at that, and certainly not at enforcing those I make. About the closest I come is to let her know when I begin to feel uncomfortable with a situation. I believe it's a little less confrontational that telling her I'd rather she doesn't do something (but I have done that in the past) and frames it more from what I need, my desires, than from sounding insistant and controlling.
In tend to agree with Andy "Something like, "I know that nothing's going on, but I can't shake the bad feelings." This tells him you have an issue, and that it's your issue, and allows him an opportunity to attempt to calm your concerns.
Your encouragement means a lot. I'll get there--- cause I'm getting it. Sometimes the getting it causes pain until you get there.
I bought some of those pumps w the open toes. I plan to paint my toenails hot pink (so not me).
H wants to take me bra shopping. He used to want to do that and I wouldn't spend the money on me. After the bomb, he didn't want to do that. At Christmas I mentioned going to Victoria's Secret and he said I could if I wanted to; he didn't care. I went to another store by myself. Bought some thingies and wore them. H noticed. He noticed more and more. I told him I was going to dress for him. That pleased him.
TrEE - Several of us have been asking you to try talking to him about all of this stuff...for a long long time. You were scared to remember?
So...good first step in addressing things. Now...what would be a good way to get the point across with the most likelihood to be successful? You already know this I'm sure but aren't too sure about it for whatever reasons.
I also wondered...is one of your worries that maybe if he has to "give something up", that you may then be expected to reciprocate? And you aren't so sure you want to give anything up?
Just curious. Anyway, just remember that regardless of what you do, you will most likely get enough static to make you wonder if it's worth it. It is. Who knows? Maybe he'll totally surprise you. In a good way.
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