So, in my first session with my C, she beat me over the head for about 20 minutes regarding this site. I can't remember all of her reasons but the general themes were something like the following.....
* All matters involving the "big 4" - your house, kids, intimacy and sex need to involve your partner which means no, 0, nada, zilch unilateral actions or decisions. Spending time on this site, unless you are at work, is an "opportunity-cost" of spending intimate time with your spouse.
26 - That is assuming that you and your spouse are together to spend intimate time with. In the cases of those of us who are separated that is not much of an issue.
* There are no boundaries or constraints here. In a group setting, you come in for an hour, discuss, then leave. Then it's just you, your spouse and the issues at hand with the pressure of a subsequent meeting where you have to be accountable to your C or peers (in a group C setting).
26 - Again if there is no spouse present dealing with any issues is a private matter. In many cases it appears to me that one spouse often refuses couseling anyway. How does the C or members of a "live" group hold you any more accountable? To meet for one hour and then forget about it does not seem to be accountability.
* There's no face-to-face connection or accountability from people who *truly* care about one another. A virtual non-face-to-face relationship, as much as it may seem "real" isn't. This lacks the non-verbal dynamics required to *see* into the souls of each other.
26 - If you think your counselor "truly" cares about you, try not paying the bill for awhile. Non-verbal dynamics of face to face meetings are just another of many possible dynamics. Some people will be more responsive to that kind of dynamic, some less so. Many people communicate more honestly and effectively while writing. Others dont. There is no one size fits all stategy in any of this. I would say that the people who derive the most benefit from this type of forum are the people who come here and stay here. If others find a greater benefit to another method then that is likely where they will gravitate too.
* And most difficult point she made was that "this site fuels fantasy". What does this mean? It's not sexual fantasy (like I initially thought she was implying) but rather fantasizing that my situation would become similar to someone else's or that my W would become like other people's spouses. IE. My focus becomes outward rather than inward and my introspection isn't in the context of my own marriage but someone elses. Stories of other people's success may initially provide hope but they will ultimately create anxiety. From reading other's posts (and books) I might say "hey...this might work" or "geez...my W would kill me if I tried that" or "I'm too scared to try that" or they may try it unsuccessfully. The bottom line regarding fantasy....it makes living in the moment very difficult (the living in the moment think is key to success with this).
26 - It seems to me that there needs to be focus inward and outward. It may be a fantasy to think that your marriage could be saved, that your relationship could be healthy again and better than ever, but is that so harmful? If not for that hope (fantasy) who would bother with any of it whether this BB or group counseling or anything else? This BB is just one of many tools at hand to try to get from A to B.
