is posting here ethical?

[NotATLDave]

I do believe there's some good value in this site when the discussions are intellectual...like the topics on differentiation etc. But I have to concur with my C that this isn't a substitute for good counseling, live groups, and simply spending more positive, happy time with your spouse without all this SSM garbage spinning around your head.

So, in my first session with my C, she beat me over the head for about 20 minutes regarding this site. I can't remember all of her reasons but the general themes were something like the following.....

* All matters involving the "big 4" - your house, kids, intimacy and sex need to involve your partner which means no, 0, nada, zilch unilateral actions or decisions. Spending time on this site, unless you are at work, is an "opportunity-cost" of spending intimate time with your spouse.


* There are no boundaries or constraints here. In a group setting, you come in for an hour, discuss, then leave. Then it's just you, your spouse and the issues at hand with the pressure of a subsequent meeting where you have to be accountable to your C or peers (in a group C setting).

* There's no face-to-face connection or accountability from people who *truly* care about one another. A virtual non-face-to-face relationship, as much as it may seem "real" isn't. This lacks the non-verbal dynamics required to *see* into the souls of each other.

* And most difficult point she made was that "this site fuels fantasy". What does this mean? It's not sexual fantasy (like I initially thought she was implying) but rather fantasizing that my situation would become similar to someone else's or that my W would become like other people's spouses. IE. My focus becomes outward rather than inward and my introspection isn't in the context of my own marriage but someone elses. Stories of other people's success may initially provide hope but they will ultimately create anxiety. From reading other's posts (and books) I might say "hey...this might work" or "geez...my W would kill me if I tried that" or "I'm too scared to try that" or they may try it unsuccessfully. The bottom line regarding fantasy....it makes living in the moment very difficult (the living in the moment think is key to success with this).



So you are probably thinking..."why are you here dave? Didn't you say it's bad to be here...freaking hypocrite?"

Clearly I didn't totally pay attention to my C because I'm popping in from time to time. I do think in the absence of a good C and a group, that there's some stuff to learn here but the level in which you get involved should be tempered. I approach these boards in a different manner now (since ny C busted me over them). I usually visit once every 2 weeks but have had 2-3 month absences. I feel better and can channel good feelings back into the R. Now, when I visit, it's akin to passing by an automobile wreck...I choose to take a quick glance from a afar but not study the bloody scene up close. I'll read some titles, quickly scan a couple posts, maybe answer something then move on. When I *do* answer, it's like a repeating a religious creed in a way to remind myself of the principles I'm following rather than lament on problems in my R.

When I visit, I'm very careful to make it a productive experience for myself rather than just a fleeting "good feeling" for myself. Even a few weeks ago, I spent some time answering some PM questions and went to bed in an unhealthy mood. I was thinking critically about our marriage again where, if I hadn't been on the site, I wouldn't have. This place can fuel some stinkin' thinking. There's so much negative energy, frustration, pain, suffering, etc. here, that it started to rub off and made it hard for me to have the energy required to change myself and the marriage.

Yes, this site can be enjoyable and occasionally helpful but at the end of the day, you have to ask yourself whether the air in this forum is good for long-term exposure (from someone living in the 2nd most polluted city on the planet).