quote:Originally posted by Jen: She's come a long way, Andy, and perhaps she needs more time to come to this understanding. Maybe she's hit a plateau and needs to remain on that plateau for a while before moving on in this process.
Or, maybe not.
This morning, she started the OR talk that I’ve been contimplating. It went something like this:
W: Are you still taking your Willbutrin? Me: No. Haven’t for a long time now. W: I’m not stupid, you know. I know that it’s more than just Québec that’s been bothering you. I know it’s been about the way I haven’t been able to respond to you the way you want. Me: I know you’re not stupid. I haven’t talked about it because I’ve just been avoiding putting pressure on you. W: I don’t agree with the way TF has been handling his R. He shouldn’t be a doormat in order to get his W back. Me: Yeah. I agree with you. But I’m not him. I’ve changed my behavior because ILY and I want things to be fairer. W: You probably don’t remember it, but you’ve pushed me away before, too. Me: No. I do remember, and I regret it. W: You also distanced yourself from me and the kids. When we were outside, you were at the computer playing computer games, or lying on the couch. It was only when you went through your depression that all of a sudden, you wanted to be part of our lives. Me: Yeah. I know. It took my depression to realize that I had it all wrong. It was only then that I understood what you went through during your burnout. I also came to understand that the things I did to try to help you through your burnout came off the wrong way. For example, I was trying to be strong. I know now, that it only came off as condescending. W: You did a lot of hurtful things though. Me: Don’t forget. I was out of control. I wish it never happened, but I don’t feel guilty about it, because it wasn’t me. W: You think I resent things from the past. I don’t. Me: I know. But I don’t know what the word is that would describe the fact that all of these things from the past are still bothering you. W: In the past, you’ve always dealt with things by ignoring them, hoping they’d pass. Me: Yeah, I know. And sometimes that works. And I’m also guilty of not listening to you because I chalked some of your opinions up to your burnout. I only understood how wrong this was when I was on the other side of the fence. Me: So. Are the feelings dead? W: <<shrug>> Me: I want to get them back. W: Time will tell.
She just called me at work.
She wanted to make sure I was OK wrt what was said this morning. She also wanted to assure me that despite what she said, she didn’t think that our problems were all my fault. I said, “I know.” and that fault doesn’t matter anyway. The important thing is for us to be on the same team. I told her that a few months ago, she said that she was sick and tired of me making her into the enemy. But at the time she said this, I felt like it was her that was making me into the enemy. But since then, I feel like we’ve been on the same team for most things. We stopped the pissing contest over who had it tougher.
She again apologized for bringing this up. Especially on V-day. I told her that I was glad that she brought it up and that I feel better knowing that we’re on the same team for this too.
I feel another thread coming on. Shall it be “We’re on the same team” or “Burying the past”?
[ February 14, 2002, 11:30 AM: Message edited by: ANS ]
