"So are you wanting us to try to advise you on learning how to deal with the issue you two have right now...assuming it will never change.....or give you flat-out honest advise as to where to try to go from here? I believe you want the 2nd right?"
Yes, I want the 2nd! And thank you for still talking to me...I really do appreciate you and your advice.
I wouldn't say I have given up on my husband...what I am trying to say is that his LD isn't going to change overnight from everything I've been reading (on the BB). His efforts can improve, but his LD will always be something we will have to deal with and the biggest thing I know I can change is how I "deal" with him in dealing with this issue...and not just for now but in the future.
Saying that, I would have to say I've always known that I have been very critical with him with all this (it's hard not to be). With talking with you I seem to be able to actually recognize how I have counpounded the lack of sex with my anger and being critical. I think I've always known it, but felt that "he had to fix his problem" and then I would be less critical. When, in all reality, his problem isn't going to improve if I continue my atitude.
Over the last couple of days we've had sex (which isn't usual at all)...but again a usual "course of action" for him after I've had a really bad day being depressed about the situation. This is what I have referred as "pity sex" on his part. But, what I have changed is usually I say stupid things after we've had sex and later that day like "we'll see how long this lasts". I can imagine that makes him lose interest pretty quick. These days, even though I feel this will all teeter off today or tomorrow, I haven't said anything negative; in fact, I've told him how good it's been for me (and, actually, it has been - so I'm not even lying). I think changes like this are things that I've been needing to work on.
I will definetely pick up the book "The Five Love Languages"...I could really use that. So often I think of how I wish he would do things I like that make me happy - simple things. I often do little thoughtful gifts for him, but when it actually comes down to communicating with him the way he would listen and respond...I'm not so good at that. With things being the way they've been, I say and communicate however my emotions tell me to thinking it's his his problem even if we're in it together and he just needs to "wake up and smell the coffee" around here and fix it.
Still waiting for the SSM books to come in too...
What are your thoughts on what Lillieperl had to say about not "mothering" my husband because a wife cannot be a mother too. Lillieperl, please feel free to chime in on this! Isn't there a natural tendency for wives to take care of their husbands (meaning, helping them eat right, making sure the go to the Dr., etc)? I know not all H/W relationships are like this...but because of how my husband grew up (his mother did EVERTHING!) he seems to need some extra work. I've tried to help him "grow up" with some of this...for example, his mother always used to pick up after him, do all his laundry (even as an adult), and cook 3 meals a day. I've gotten him to improve on his expectations because I am NOT his mother.
Aside from that, I do see the value in what Lillieperl is saying about a wife cannot be so mothering because it kills the romance part. Yet, he seems to expect that out of me and a need for him. Does that sound stupid?
