Cloe,

Nope not mad at ya...and nope, won't stop talking with you.

It's not my job to convince you to wait on starting your family (and yes, I can agree to disagree with you on this...I'm merely speaking to you from the other side of the issue)...all I'm doing is attempting to point out issues that you might not have thought of....that's all. When we want something so badly (as you seem to want to start a family) we are sometimes blinded to the exagerrated issues that can come with them, or we feel that it will make the situation improve somehow....that's the only goal I have here, to point that out to you. Now having done that...onward.

I may not agree with Cobra's highly blunt approach (no offense Cobra...even you know you lack tact at times in yoru approach...even if you have a valid point) You sound like you've given up on your H working on this issue....when, no offense hon....you really haven't done everything yet to get his attention or to motivate him to take you seriously. You've given the power you have in fixing this issue up. What you've done so far (and I'm going to say this as gently as I can) is drive him further into himself....unintentionally I know, but that's the result. So are you wanting us to try to advise you on learning how to deal with the issue you two have right now...assuming it will never change.....or give you flat-out honest advise as to where to try to go from here? I believe you want the 2nd right?

With you your H needs to feel safe being who he is, until he can feel safe with you (and not be chastized, emasculated, or worse about his failings)...well, he's not likely to step up and make the changes you desire of him. I know you feel bad about tearing him down in the past, not cracking you upside the head here....just showing you where you've unintentionally driven him the opposite direction in this issue. So, he's not likely to believe any changes in your behavior for a bit...you will have to prove to him that YOU can talk about this issue without losing it, without being judgemental (which is tough I know), and in a manner where he'll begin to open up to you (and this in itself, may take quite some time....so many guys hold their feelings tightly within themselves.)

What your posts sound like to me though is that #1 You don't think this can change for you, or #2 You don't think he can make the changes necessary. I'm here to tell you, I've felt EXACTLY the same way at times....but as soon as you start believing those two things, you start dictating your future to be exactly that way. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Honestly, you have given your power away in this issue. I know you feel you've tried everything you can think of....but there are other things out there you have yet to attempt. Boundary/consequences setting for one. Learning how to truly communicate effectively with your H, so that he hears you....and you don't lose it on him. What you need to do, truly, is sit down and really put some thought into what will happen in the future if your situation never changes. It's a very difficult thing to do I know....you don't want to believe that this may never change, but putting real thought into this will help you come up with your boundaries/consequences. Does that mean that you leave him, no...no necessarily. Many people have moved out of their own bedroom into a guest room to make a point....there are things you can do besides divorce to rattle your H's cage (and that's exactly what needs to happen) while you show him that your own behavior is changing too.

There is a book you probably should read called The Five Love Languages....read it. Figure out what your love language is, and what your H's is as well. If you think your H would be open to it....get him to take the quiz in the back of it as well. Then....start doing things that would fit into his love languages.....and let him know what specifically he can do that will fit in to yours. Lemme splain! My H's main love languages are Words of Affirmation and Gift Giving. Mine are Physical Touch and Quality Time. One of the ways I've had success in getting my H to feel save with me is showing love for him in ways he'll understand.....I gift him words of affirmation, praise, and say things to him that will help boost his ego. He'd been torn down for years by many women. I also have given up doing the big romantic stuff that I would like....in trade for, getting him gifts that will mean something to him.....like a weekend race package at Talladega Speedway (that way he gets his speed fix in a race car....and I get my weekend at a BB). He in turn I have found is now spending more time with me and our son doing things, or just hanging around the house. We now have date nights fit in almost weekly.....and he's becoming for physically affectionate with me in ways that I like too.

So...why do I bring that up? Speaking someone else's love languages successfully to them, and having them speak yours.....does wonders to help you with the emotions you are trying to desperately to deal with. Honestly...go pick up the book, it's a quick read.

It's a place to start anyway right?

GEL

Well behaved women rarely ever make history!