First I'd like to say that I'm not coming from the perspective of you not having kids at this point as a way of giving yourself an easier out....honestly, I'm not. It's obvious you don't want to leave your M. Some may be coming from that perspective, but that's not where I'm coming from.
You need, at this point, to get your H to take you seriously about this problem. And I mean really seriously. If you get pregnant at this point...it's a distraction from the issue at hand....albeit one you want, but you will have 9-months of an excuse ahead of you for him NOT stepping up and addressing the issue.....and believe me, that's VERY likely to happen. Then....you will have an infant, lack of sleep, breastfeeding etc....which will exhaust both of you for quite some time. Another distraction and excuse for someone like your H not to address the issue. Then of course come the toddler years...that's a whole new type of exhaustion LOL Trust me...I have a 3yr old at home who never stops.
Lemme put it this way. Your H, right now, already does so many things that stack the odds (not exercising, medication, poor diet...things he has control over)....the fatigue that comes with an infant is another convenient excuse for someone like your H or my H to be too tired to do anything. So...what harm would it do to simply delay having children? Right now you are at a point where you are really looking for help and answers (you're here right?)....so that tells me you are ready to step up and do some of the really tough stuff that will need to be done. Boundary setting is one of those things. Does that mean you tell him "I'm never having kids!" No, of course not....but a boundary you could set it. "I'm not willing to bring a child into this marriage until I see effort and improvement from you on this issue." Then of course define for him specifically what "Improvement/effort" is...that's something you might choose to do in a therapists office to avoide misunderstandings. Once again, that's not saying honey I won't have kids....but it's setting a boundary and letting him know how seriously you take this issue....since he knows you both want children. Do you see what I mean? If you go ahead and do things, like have children, and not set boundaries....then it's very likely your H won't take the issue seriously enough and he'll keep on doing what he's doing currently....because there is no motivation for him to really do the work to change (and he knows it won't be eas for him).
Your H loves you I have no doubt, and it's obvious you love him too. But you need to think about what boundaries you can set...that would truly affect him. What would rattle his cage and make him take you seriously? I'm not telling you to not have children....I'm just saying wait on it for a bit longer. Give both of you a bit more time....to do some tough work without the distraction of an infant (wonderful as they are)....because once one comes along existing problems in the marriage are often compounded and magnified even further. NOW is the time for you to do the work, while you don't have to worry about that.
I had to laugh when you said "I'm not the saint you seem to believe me to be"....I've never thought that about you LOL. I was inquiring about your H's past....not necissarily yours. The reason I asked the question is that some men who haven't been experienced before they marry....often don't have the skills to feel competent sexually speaking within their marriage.....so they simply avoid feeling incompetent, by not being sexual with their wife. That was the premise for my question LOL. I do find it interesting though that your H had long-distance R's, those R's are so easily maintained without real "intimacy". They are often sustained by the "thought" of what the other person could be. I don't know if this is the case with your H or not, but that's been my experience anyway. Now that you've described his parents to me as well...well, they were definitely a role-model for his behavior today. It's what he knows. I'm now not at all surprised he did seek out women that would be long-distance...they would be so much easier to maintain R's with for him....great guy that I'm sure he is. My H did similar things as well. Your H is going to have to learn a different behavior with you....and you my friend, are going to have to be woman enough to teach him how to behave, and that's going to be tough. BUT...it can be done. I'll tell you now though, it's a slow process.
Your H is stubborn, just like mine. Getting them to understand that you aren't necessarily trying to change them....but teach them how to communicate with you more effectively can definitely be a battle at times. Throughout this process you will learn tons about yourself, what you want, what you don't want, what you will live with...what you won't.
If it's any comfort to you, I too had to put my foot down and hard about counseling. I made the appointment, still do. Once he learned though that I wasn't there to find fault, but to work as a team towards a resolution he began relaxing and listening. Just be patient.
