I do the grocery shopping, but that doesn't really matter. He will be upset if I don't get his chips and stuff...and if I buy healthy alternatives he wouldn't eat them. I know that sounds like I have given up...but it's true! He's a big snacker (BBQ Chips, pretzels, popcorn) and will snack before and after every meal, including breakfast. Yuk - BBQ Chips at 9am! I usually try to limit how many snacks we have...right now we have a surplus because we went on a road trip and I bought him some. As for pop...that's tricky. I know he needs his Diet Pepsi in the morning for caffeine as he doesn't drink coffee, but I have a hard time limiting his pop intake throughout the day. I would rather he drink water...or at lease lemonade (it just seems better than pop)
Dr. Visits
I agree with you on the Dr. visits...we've already been doing that. I already talked my my H about going off of Lexapro in exchange for daily playing at least 45 minutes of basketball after work or working out (we have gym equipment we just bought).
Counseling
I have tried to write a letter before, but he does not receive that well. But, as we move forward and if things don't improve...our only option would be counseling. No matter what, he will be strongly against it. As long as I do the research and set up an appointment, he really won't have much of a choice. No matter what he will always be against wanting to go...so that's usually how I have to get it done.
Can I live the rest of my life like this?
You asked me if things were to stay where they are and never change could I see myself living like this in my M the rest of my life. Honestly, no...who would in this situation. On the other hand, I don't want to be married to anyone else...that's why I married my H. I love him. My H is a incredible man and he truly loves me very much, and he will be an amazing father to our children one day. My take on our marriage, with the whole "'til death do us part" and "for better or worse" part of our vows, is that unless your spouse really does something to hurt you in a drastic way (affairs and other malicious, extreme actions) - therefore not holding up to their end of the vows we took - I plan sticking with those vows. I made those vows because I love him! As my mother always told me and my sisters growing up, you don't always have to like your family but you do have to love him. H and W are different because you choose to be with them as opposed to siblings, but this rule still applies. As simple as this sounds, I do like most things about my H and the "pros outway the cons". As for the things I don't like about him, his LD is unfortunately a huge problem. But, I feel that this is encapsulated in the whole "For better for worse" part of my vow to him. It's not his fault, he's not doing this to me on purpose. Honestly, he has never known any better...because this was always normal to him. So, as his W and someone who loves him dearly...'til death do us part (unless he screws me intentionally).
I know you are not doubting my love for my H. But I've said all this to say, I plan on sticking with my marriage and it seems to me only time and much mental work will really make this situation better. How much time? It seems to me it is a constant effort and I will never be comfortable with this situation. All this to say, why delay our lives and our family any more waiting for "resolution". We will be working on this problem our entire lives...why delay making our dreams come true.
We may just agree to disagree on this point, but I don't want to come across ungrateful for that part of advice I received from you and a couple of other people who have commented on this on the BB. I just feel the source of the advice to stop trying to have kids is as to not complicate the situation and to give me an "easier out" down the road if I want to leave my husband...and I don't!
Anyway, back to some more of the questions you had for me...
Life Before Me for my H
My husband's and my sex life before we were married wasn't actually "squeaky clean"...so, I am not the "saint" you seemed to understand me to be We did have sex a few times, but with the scare we had...we stopped and waited. My husband had lots of girlfriends before me, only one of them he slept with. Just recently he finally told me that she would ask him the same questions I did initially, like "don't you find me attractive" when these would not go right in bed. He said at the time it was mainly do to alcohol as they went out drinking quite a bit, but I feel there is more to that story. She was also quite a bit older than him and lived in Australia. So, although they had a long-term relationship they did not see eachother on a day-to-day basis. As for his other girlfriends, same thing in that they lived out of state (my H travelled alot more back then during his "bachelorhood") and from what I know they just fooled around.
His Parents
My H parents, I beleive, have a pretty big impact with related issues to LD. They are 62 and 63, and have sleeped in separate bed forever! They are not very loving to each (outwardly) and I've never seen them hold hands or kiss on the cheek even! Yet, they have 6 kids...go figure! His mother is very controlling and instantly hates any girl who marries her sons. Dating is fine, marriage turn you into an instant "evil daughter-in-law". My husband was very much a "Mama's boy" when I met him. He lived downtown, yet his mother still did his laundry...so she got him to visit every week or at least every other week. Definetely not an abusive home though...very loving and good! He has come a long way from the "mama's boy" stage as throughout all the family problems his mother has said some pretty crazy things to him and me that has made him realize she's a little "off her rocker". Like, when we got engaged his sister and 2 kids lived with him (the family I mentioned before the lived with him when he moved into his new house and just moved out last August...for the 1st year and a half of our marriage). His mother was furious about our engagment and asked us to wait 5 more years (on top of the 4 years we've been together at that time) to get married and she felt it was my H responsibility to take care of his sister and kids instead of creating a life and family of his own. What really should have happened is that his sister and kids should have originally moved in with her parents, not my H. But, it was such a tail spin and and emergency and his parents had a very tiny house at the time (it still would have done OK though) that my husband blurted out naively that they could live with him. Things like this has unfortunately put a pretty big divider between him and his mother, but it is also a blessing in disquise. Right away he was able to "cut the umbilical cord". She also makes lots of unnecessary rude comments to me and us...which have pushed us farther away from her emotionally while we still see her quite often.
That kind of summarizes his parents.
These Days
As for these days, Monday I had a really bad day with this issue....but yesterday I was doing much better after talking with you and the other people on this BB. I got so much accomplished...it felt good! I packed up my kitchen, which I've been meaning to do for 2 weeks now and I am getting my butt out of bed earlier yesterday and today (which I also have been wanting to do since I quit my job). Yesterday, my husband actually "made a move on me"...which was nice, but this is usually what I call "pity sex" (is it OK to talk this candid on here?) as he knew I was depressed on Monday about our problem...and this is his way making me feel better for now. This is usually short-lived for 3-4 days and then we usually resume our sex-deprived marriage right away. I hate the "pity sex", but my mom tells me to "call his bluff" and go ahead and do it. Even though she understands why I don't want to in this case, she says I am still "refusing him"...and he always does to me and I know how that makes me feel. Even though it wouldn't effect him the same way...I see her point.
You mentioned you've been on here for 3 years...do you mind if I ask how long you've been married? I know you mentioned you have a 3 year old daughter...can I ask if it was a problem for you and your husband to get pregnant do to his LD? I hope you don't mind me asking...
Thanks again for all your encouragement and advice. I know all this takes time out of your day...it really means the world to me to be able to talk about this so thoroughly as most of the time this is something I have to hide from my friends. And not only to talk, but to get such great advice from someone who understands!
We did have sex a few times, but with the scare we had...we stopped and waited. My husband had lots of girlfriends before me, only one of them he slept with. Just recently he finally told me that she would ask him the same questions I did initially, like "don't you find me attractive" when these would not go right in bed. He said at the time it was mainly do to alcohol as they went out drinking quite a bit, but I feel there is more to that story. She was also quite a bit older than him and lived in Australia. So, although they had a long-term relationship they did not see eachother on a day-to-day basis. As for his other girlfriends, same thing in that they lived out of state (my H travelled alot more back then during his "bachelorhood") and from what I know they just fooled around.
