My H has been on Lexapro since November...same time he started his T treatment. His T treatment 1st consisted of Androgel - a topical, daily gel treatment that absorbs through the skin into the blood stream - and then because that did not work he is now getting injections once a month. Honestly, I would say that the Lexapro has not made a significant change and I feel and have always felt that if he would just eat a more balanced diet, exercise and do more fun things for himself (have a guys night out, go fishing, whatever) that he would have better benefits in how he feels and deals with things. We were aware of the side effects when he started taking it, but the Dr. made us feel that the low libido side effect would not be drastic (besides, how much worse could it have gotten). But, I understand, it doesn't help the situation.
Getting him to try other things
The problem though is that I am a "broken record" all the time about his diet and exercise. It requires a lot of energy on my part to get him to make simple changes. I can't just be real nice and suggest something to him...I have to pound him over the head daily for months and fight with him until he actually changes. I know that sounds horrible, but I have tried lots of other approaches. He's like a stubborn child. But once he changes, he thanks me and acts like it took nothing for him to change. I am just so tired and worn out of this routine to get him to do anything (eat 3 meals a day, go the Dr. for a physical, get his T tested, take his vitamins, etc) that I just feel like he needs to take care of himself and I need to take care of myself. I'm 24 and feel like I'm an double my age with all this stuff. It takes a lot of work and energy out of me...and it makes me into a person that I am not...and that's the hardest part. I am naturally a positive, fun loving, goofy, confident, big-hearted, sensitive girl...and I haven't felt that way in way too long. Once in a while I feel for a short moment the "real me" peeking through...but only when I am out in public by myself picking up a conversation with someone I don't know. As soon as I head home or talk to my husband on the phone...all that seems to drain instantly.
Both of us going to the Dr.
What exactly do you mean by suggesting we both go to the Dr. I just need a little clarification because we both had physicals in November and I usually go with him to all his appointments due to his fear of Dr.'s and "just as back-up". I really don't push my going with him, he just assumes it and seems much more comfortable. So...we have gone to the Dr. together for separate appt.'s and for his. What exactly do you mean?
Counseling
Yikes - I am horrible about this. Again, I try to start nice about this...but then it snow balls and I tend to say bad things. But, again, my initial approaches never work. It seems that I have to say extreme things to get him to do anything. So, it usually gets to the point that I tell him that he is the problem, but we're in this together. It gets very messy...as I'm sure you can imagine. I have a fiery temper and this situation does not bring out the best in me. It's a family trait from my father, unfortunately. Anyway, the simple mention of counseling (even if I used your approach, which is a good suggestion) puts him on an automatic defense no matter which way you put it. He was like this initially, and I am sure all my added angry comments do not help his natural defensive atitude. So, I know this is just another all out battle for me to try to get him into counseling...and, frankly, I am tired! That's why I want to try one more step (reading SSM together) before I enter that battle zone to go to counseling. Does that make sense?
What kind of counseling?
As for couselling, are you suggesting marital counseling or sex therapy? I am so apprehensive with the Sex Therapy thing because not only does that add more discomfort for my H, but it just seems it would be hard to find a good Sex Therapist without getting into all the weird stuff.
I do have to ask...Babies
Everyone seems to be telling me to hold off on the family until you get this "resolved". What exactly is the resolution? Everyone I seem to read about just learns how to deal with their LB partner...the LB partner doesn't change. So, is just learning how to deal with your LB partner the resolution?
How I communicate
I would describe the way I communicate with my H as brutally honest. I don't hold back. I feel is such desparation now that he should know how I feel. I do this almost as a "scare tactic" to get him to at least change. I know...bad. But, the situation has escaltated to this - I wasn't always like this. My communication to him has been like a roller coaster of extremes unfortunately, but all honest. I tell him all the time that he just needs to leave me alone when I am depressed - which usually gets me mad too - but he doesn't listen. When it comes to what I need emotionally, I ask him to at least try to do other nice things to help attempt to actually make up for the lack of sexual closeness. I explain to him all the little things he could be doing to help my self confidence and our relationship - but he just doesn't do it (like getting me a loving card once in a while, making me a cup of coffee in the morning, inviting my parents to our home for my birthday, giving me more respect as his wife and acting more loving when we're in public or with friends/family, stupid simple stuff that just makes me happy). As for the Sex situation, I just ask him if he could fake it once a a while just to make me feel a little better and not to tell me afterwards he was faking it. If he can't get aroused, I ask him if he could at least kiss me with a little passion - but I don't think he knows how. He goes on every day like nothing is wrong. But when it gets really bad for me and I desparately plead with him to help save our marriage, he will actually open up and he genuinely seems to be on the same page as me deep down inside. He confesses that he knows a good sex life is important, but I don't think he really knows in his heart...he has nothing to drive him to want that it seems. So, we have the deep, desparate conversations...I feel like he gets it. But, every time after that nothing changes and he continues to go on with his life as if we never had the conversation. I have told him time and time again that this is what people get divorced over so he sees the severity of the situation while reasurring him that I won't leave him...but it still doesn't motivate him to change. He feels that the fact that he is getting T shots is enough. But I feel that he needs to make life-altering decisions (diet, exercise, doing his hobbies) and do multiple things to try to reverse his problem - and soon so we don't loose any more time. We only live life once, but I feel that he is settling for a depressed marriage and he is bringing me down with him.
Sorry for my lengthy posts...is that normal? Thank you for your very kind and helpful words. It makes me feel more in control of the situation...like I am actually doing something again to help the situation. Your wise advice really makes alot of sense.
Today and Moving Forward
My H is overdue for his T shot, so I have to go remind him to call the Dr. again (the Doc was out last week). I hate that I have to remind him...why can't he just grow up and care enough to do it all by himself. You know? I think I will start pushing him harder to go out and play Basketball at the end of his work day and get him off the Lexapro. We have to schedule a Dr.'s appt for test his T levels to see how the injections have been working. So, we can talk to the Dr. about doing that. All this just takes alot more energy for me to get him to do this than it does for him to actually do it. I go through so many emotions when I have to push him to take care of himself (even getting his butt out of bed early because he always complains that he should wake up earlier in the morning - I hate doing this because he is such a jerk in the morning, yet he begs me to get him up early. This starts out my day horribly! So, I don't do it anymore. He needs to be a big boy). Anyway, and I have to get my butt in gear and get into some kind of routine with not working outside the home anymore and include some fun things for myself.
Thank you again for all your help! Sorry for the one-sided relationship...I hope I can be there for you one day as much as you have helped me already!
