Wow - I didn't realize how much this Message Board (that's what they call it, right?) would mean to me!!! What you said and the advice I received from Baltonman really means alot, and makes alot of sense! The fact that I know you have or are struggling with the same issue really makes your advice mean a lot more. I can't believe I am actually talking with people who understand!! That's so refreshing and comforting.
H's Eating Habits
As for the questions you had...starting with my husband. My husband is a horrible eater, but not obese. This has been something I have been working with him on for a long time. After much progress (since we've been together), he finally eats a regular breakfast, lunch and dinner and he takes vitamins each day. As for his actual diet, he does not eat any vegetables and he considers Orange Juice the only fruit he will eat. Aside from that, he is still picky with the few leftover options with not eating veggies or fruits. He eats alot of red meat, pizza, snacky foods (BBQ Chips, pretzels, etc) and diet pop (diet pop is a huge step forward for him too as he used to drink about 8 cans of regular pop a day - that adds up to be a ton of calories!). He doesn't regularly exercise (neither do I though) or have a group of guys he just "hangs out with" or do "guys nights out". He does have friends we occasionally go out with, but not reguarly. He does have a large family though that we see often.
H's Work
As for his work, he has an incredible job...actually he is in the best situation he has ever been in - meaning is a pretty "cush job", if you will. He works out of a home office, which offers a lot of flexibility if we ever want to go for a long weekend or something and he travels globally about once a month (not near as much as he used to). The whole "working out of home" does have it negatives as he doesn't have the comradery with his co-workers like he used to and it creates an odd dynamic with us (I will explain later).
T Test
As for the T test...I do "take heart" in him getting tested especially since he has a fear of Dr.'s and almost passes out when he gets his blood tested. I do have to admit, it took over a year to get him to do this...a year of starting out asking him nicely then escalating to very bad fights. He finally did though...and that's what counts at this point. Yet, all that fighting has worn we down for many, many reasons and in many, many ways.
Other Avenues of Help
As to other avenues, no we haven't looked into anything Homeopathic. He is on Lexipro right now to help with anxiety. He isn't the anxious or nervous type. In fact, nobody except him and me notice he has a problem. With all the huge problems we've had to deal with, he has been extremely calm and has helped both of our families in huge emotional and business problems. He, in essence, has been the cornerstone for his family (with 6 adult kids, with him being the 2nd youngest) throughout all these problems. BUT, he has had negative physical after effects leading to something we think is a couple of anxiety attacks over the last couple of years. The Dr. is hoping the Lexapro would help him regain feeling some normalcy and prevent future anxiety attacks.
Counselling
I think would be great, but all this has been very hard on his self confidence (which he would not admit, but I have recognized). When I finally got him to go the original counselor, it was another "hell" getting him there. Again, his pride was badly bruised with that and getting his T results. So, before I go to another therapist I want to try to read SSM with him and see how that goes. I hate to see his face drain of confidence when we take those steps (like the original therapy session then the T test results), all while being very stubborn and combative as if trying to hang on to his "last string of masculinity"...even though I do try to encourage him in his masulinity.
Since we received his T test results I did feel much better knowing there was a problem. It also helped me control my temper and hurtful comments. Originally I used to scream and yell (after things started to get extreme and he would deny everything) that he either 1) Wasn't attracted to me 2) Was cheating on me 3) Was Gay. I know, it sounds horrible - but I didn't know what else to do and I would never get an answer. After the Low T Results, I felt I could actually empathize with him and the fact he got it tested made me actually feel like we were "in this together". But this feeling has worn off with our problem continuing, and it's just such a huge battle to get him to try to do anything (like eat better, exercise, do some kind of hobby as an outlet to his stress). This then throws us into another tail spin of my feeling he doesn't care enough. Along with every time I want have sex and he somehow "gets out of it" and refuses me or when I have the urge I know not to even try so then I get very depressed (like today) and I don't know what to do with myself.
What am I doing for myself?
Well, that's an interesting question as to what I do for myself. Recently, my husband and I decided that I could quit my job so I could travel with him now that he travels worldwide. With any job that I had I wouldn't be able to take any time off, and I wouldn't have the flexibility we needed. Since my husband's income was significantly more and more than paid our bills, I quit my job about 2 months ago. Now, along with dealing with our problem we are also working out the interesting dynamic of having me home and him work out of home. We are also in the process of moving to a different home with more property, so it is actually nice timing with all the work that needs to be done. Aside from that, I really never had a lot of friends my age as I wasn't every "typical" for my age, nor could/can I have many close friends. I was on my own at 18 and matured quickly, then had a wealth of stress and problems to deal with soon after with both my and my husband's (then boyfriends's) family's problems, and now as a young wife to a husband who does well and most of our friends are in their 40's with kids. I do have my mom and sister that I talk to on the phone all the time (they live out of state), but that's about it for me. We have 3 dogs that keeps me busy...but aside from that these days I don't have much that I really really like to do. I used to volunteer alot, but that sucked me dry...and it just seemed to put me into a tailspin of never saying no...so, I've been trying to slow down on that. I have been reading books since I quit my job, which I really hadn't had time for before.
Your advice on finding something is good advice...I will start to think more about this and find something.
How do I deal with it?
How do I deal with the rejection feeling I have? How can I make sense of any of it? When we got to family functions and are out with friends, I just want to scream! Nobody knows and I'm just supposed to act like everything is fine. It haunts me everyday, every part of the day...while all that time I know my H would rather act like everything is fine all the time and just move on as if nothing ever happened or is wrong. I am also struggling big time with having dreams at night about other men and wishing I could just have a romantic relationship with SOMEONE! This makes me feel like a horrible person and terrible wife. I won't cheat on my H, but I sure want to. I don't want to be hurtful, but I do tell my husband this so he knows. So he knows what I am struggling with and knows how serious this is. I find myself wanting to ask perfect strangers if they think I am attractive because I feel so horrible about myself.
When I get depressed now, I try to just tell my husband I am depressed and to please leave me alone. But, he doesn't do a good job of it. His "manliness" wants control of some part of the situation so he gets all "leachy" with my trying to be all "lovey dovey" and calling me cute names...when it just annoys the hell out of me and then makes me furious. He won't just leave me alone and let me work through my depressing moments...and that just throws me into my horrible temper.
I am glad I can count on people being honet with me...I need it. I also need more sound advice as you have already given me. Thank you for taking time, as I know it is precious, to help me through this!!! You are a God Send!
