Like you and Matilda, I used to buy flowers, etc. with a note “Just because I love you”. We used to call each other “Mon amour”. She would look at me and say “T’es beau” and I’d say “T’es belle”. We held hands all the time. We too spent virtually all of our time together. We didn’t have many friends close by, and whilst raising our kids, we didn’t have much time to seek out friendships. When I got so caught up in work, W bought a book. It was one of those “One Minute Manager” type books. One of the suggestions was to do a one minute kiss. We did this every day when I came through the door after work. All of this made me feel secure, and I always thought it made W feel secure and loved too.
When the bomb dropped, all of this stopped. As I entered my depression, W told me that she felt that I “needed her, rather than wanted her.” And flowers, etc. were perceived as “guilt flowers.” Not in the sense that I was trying to alleviate my own guilt, but that I was trying to lay a guilt trip on her for not reciperocating.
But, I’m still going to get her chocolates and flowers for Valentines. My answer to the question “And Andy, how do we get 'out of here'?” is that we stop these things when they become an irritant, but we slowly reintroduce them when things have calmed down. It’s kinda sneaky, but I think that if you introduce them slowly enough, they’ll seem natural before our spouse has time to realize it.
I think the same thing goes for openness. I don’t believe that we should ever be “totally” open with our spouses. After you live with someone long enough, there are more and more little irritants. If you tell him/her everything that’s bugging you, you’re nagging. As Me2 so aptly put it, it’s overwhelming! A lot of things pass, and if it’s one of those things, you should let it pass.
So, right now, I’m letting everything pass (holding pattern). I think I have to do that for quite some time in order to put the resentment behind us. But when things are more comfortable, I’m hoping to be able to discuss my feelings with her – whether they be negative or positive.
Another thought, Me2. It’ll always rub you against the grain if you think of changing yourself as not being true to yourself. Unfortunately, some of the changes force this situation. But, if you can gradually get to a compromize situation, one where you aren’t “totally open” or “totally closed”, then you can change your true self to a more balanced behavior. I don’t know how much sense that makes, but I’ll toss it in anyway.
TTFN, Andy
[ February 12, 2002, 01:11 PM: Message edited by: ANS ]
