Muddle's Muddy Waters

[MuddleThrough]

Ok, I just got back from lunch, where I had a conversation with my W that resolved some of what I was stewing about. I'll tell you about that in a bit, but first I want to respond to your points:

Muddle, at some point we HAVE to stop trying so hard to attach motive to everything. IF she does things that positively contribute to the family or you, then appreciate them and move on.

Right, of course. I do try to do this, and, as seems to be an issue with me, it's more difficult to implement acting on an understanding than accepting the understanding in the first place. In this case (I assume you were responding to my response to what W said to me) I felt that W was trying to communicate something much deeper to me, her eyes, body language, and the amount of emotion in her voice and being said this. In the end, it doesn't change my day at all what she was feeling or saying, but she was trying to communicate something that I don't think she was capable of articulating. This meant something to her that it didn't mean to me, and she wanted me to know it.

I am not saying to trust her, just to trust yourself that you don't NEED her to be motivated by pure thoughts/desires, you simply want her to behave in a certain way and when she does, enjoy it. At some point, something has to give and it's at THAT point when it can matter what her motives are. I wish I could take my own advice on this.

This is the whole zen-like concept of all of this - when you try too hard to figure out what happens, you're too caught up in the illusions of your own making to recognize the moment when it shows itself. Guilty as charged.

All I know is this thing we do, this over-analyzation of EVERYTHING in our sitches is going to cause us to take an early dirt nap!

I agree, but ONLY when we attach emotional value to it all. I think that the intellectual part of it will expand our minds and our understanding of human nature and ourselves. Again, as long as we do it from a detached perspective.

I see the whole affair as a kind of evil and this trip is just a part of it, but not necessarily THE part that deserves the "line" to be drawn. Of course, that's up to you, but your point that by watching your S while she's gone, you are somehow being an accomplice makes me wonder.

I do see your point in the abstract, but my perspective on it is slightly different. I see my "line" here being drawn not on the affair, but on the way the affair is impacting me. If it didn't impact me, I don't try to interfere, but I am now being asked to facilitate it, and THAT is what I am objecting to. I get the sense that you believe that I AM trying to thwart this, even though I don't think so. It truly makes me wonder if that is a part of my motivation that I'm not acknowledging.

Don't you think IF SHE feels you letting her go makes you an accomplice, that standing by all this time after you knew about the affair is much the same? Don't YOU see it that way too?

No, I don't. It is happening despite me, without regard to my feelings. I am not involved in it. I have done my best to remove any of my habits and actions that might be motivating them.

but if you are truly not trying to stand in her way...then why bother to lay down the moral "smack-down" over the issue of your son's care? The smack is really over the trip, right?

The issue is that I'm being asked to give up my responsibility to my job and facilitate her trip. I have tried to put myself in this position with her planning to go do something else, and I just can't figure out how I would act then. Yes, the trip itself IS the issue. No, I will not try to prevent her going. I just don't want to be involved. Am I manipulating my perspective to make myself an obstacle to her going, or is the fact that my opposition to helping her do this just coincidentally an obstacle?

What's the difference between you not looking after him and making an ultimatum about "Either don't go on the trip or I walk." To me, they are close to the same, or at the very least, not taking your son while she's gone is a P/A way to get the point across about your displeasure, something that she already knows... so why belabor the point. She doesn't care at this point enough to prevent her from doing this.

It puts me in a position where I can feel that I did the right thing for myself. I am NOT trying to change her behavior with my decision.

Ok, so now on to now:
I decided to talk to my W about how I was feeling about this. I did, and I did so without being emotional, I just told her I was having a lot of trouble with facilitating this. She actually was very understanding. She told me that it would make things a little more difficult for her, and in so doing, she clearly got the point that I was NOT trying to prevent her from going. She told me (tearfully)that nothing was set in stone, and that she might not be going after all. In the end, we both expressed that we were appreaciative of the amount of effort each other put into trying to see the other's POV.

She did call me a moment ago and told me that she talked to her friend (one that I wouldn't feel that great about leaving S4 with) and she was willing to do anything to help out. So now I do have the option. And now the impact of my decision is somewhat cleansed of the stigma of attempting to control her actions. . .