Muddle, at some point we HAVE to stop trying so hard to attach motive to everything. IF she does things that positively contribute to the family or you, then appreciate them and move on. I do the same as you and it drives me crazy. "Did my W have me buy her a new ring because she's really committed to us, or as a smoke screen to continue the affair while enjoying the new trust I may have in her because of the ring?" We could do this for the rest of our marriages no matter WHAT happens.
I am not saying to trust her, just to trust yourself that you don't NEED her to be motivated by pure thoughts/desires, you simply want her to behave in a certain way and when she does, enjoy it. At some point, something has to give and it's at THAT point when it can matter what her motives are. I wish I could take my own advice on this.
All I know is this thing we do, this over-analyzation of EVERYTHING in our sitches is going to cause us to take an early dirt nap!
Quote: You know what, GH? I think I have been looking at this from too much of a black and white perspective. I do need to find middle ground, more with my approach to this. I think I need to tell her how I feel about making this decision. Perhaps this will give her the opportunity to be more compassionate - she has in fact been "trying" recently - and she might appreciate this. I am indeed projecting a huge amount of importance onto this, and if I do "take a stand" it won't mean to anyone what it does to me.
I guess this is really the heart of my point. Your morals are your fiber, I get that, but at some point you realize that this is only between you and your W and what you do in that context is neither right or wrong, just your way, her way, or some kind of compromise. Sure, there ARE abstract ideals of good and evil but what I said about you drawing a distinction (BTW, forgot you asked me to explain this) between the affair on the whole and this trip, was about this.
I see the whole affair as a kind of evil and this trip is just a part of it, but not necessarily THE part that deserves the "line" to be drawn. Of course, that's up to you, but your point that by watching your S while she's gone, you are somehow being an accomplice makes me wonder. Don't you think IF SHE feels you letting her go makes you an accomplice, that standing by all this time after you knew about the affair is much the same? Don't YOU see it that way too? I know you somehow attach much more importance to this trip, and rightfully so, but if you are truly not trying to stand in her way, something that MANY people would advise you to do (that is they would say TO stand in her way), then why bother to lay down the moral "smack-down" over the issue of your son's care? The smack is really over the trip, right? What's the difference between you not looking after him and making an ultimatum about "Either don't go on the trip or I walk." To me, they are close to the same, or at the very least, not taking your son while she's gone is a P/A way to get the point across about your displeasure, something that she already knows... so why belabor the point. She doesn't care at this point enough to prevent her from doing this.
Again, if you are trying to prevent her from going, then do it. I don't think that is entirely wrong, but if you are going to claim to NOT be doing that, then I don't really see why it's so important to make the childcare an issue.
Again, I will admit to being VERY conflicted about this.
