Muddle's Muddy Waters

[MuddleThrough]

Thanks GH, I think you captured my confusion remarkably, but in so doing you bring up quite a few good points. The trouble is, when I hear or see points, I tend to try and counter them, or argue, and THAT is entirely counterproductive with my W. Just as an exercise here, I'm going to do just that, because it might help me approach this from a position where no argument is necessary.

I immediately thought the same thing your W did, that this was really something you were going to do for the kid's sake, not really her's.

I could easily see this as something I'm doing for my son - and I could really put a huge amount of energy into this opportunity, and both my son and I could benefit HUGELY from it. The fact is, I would see this situation as BUYING lemons and then making lemonade from them. If you don't want lemons, why buy them? My POV, and I'm not saying it's right, is that she is the primary caregiver, she's going to go away, someone has to take over HER responsibility. Period.

Here's the thing. Your W's perception is VERY skewed these days. She is NOT making rational decisions. That said, your letter to her IS judgmental and the work thing added in just sounds like an excuse to me.

I know it's judgemental, and that's a serious concern to me. My action in life comes from judging things according to my values. No way around it. If I don't act in accordance with my judgements/values, then I'm being a hypocrit for judging her for acting against her values. I'm not saying here that I'm judging and condemning her for this (even though I did just say it) but rather using it as an example of human behavior that I want to avoid in myself. You're right, the work thing does sound like an excuse - it is a valid reason - and it will no doubt be taken that way.

IT IS MORALLY wrong, but then again, so is the affair as a whole so this distinction seems a BIT arbitrary to me but then again, an overseas trip to consummate a EA seems a pretty good place to draw the line.

I'm not totally sure where you are coming from when you talk about me making a distinction between the affair and this particular action. I know the A is wrong, and I choose to not involve myself in it one way or another. She is making me an accomplice in this and that's what I want no part of.

This idea of not taking the time off IS your attempt to try to thwart her plans, and even if it isn't,it looks to all the world like it is. I say more power to you, just understand that it could backfire.

This is the crux of it - and I think that it is too easy for my W to accept this as fact. She won't expend the energy trying to understand the distinction between me not wanting to be involved and me trying to prevent her from going. She can do as she pleases - it certainly won't be as easy for her to do without my help, but she CAN do it. I certainly don't want this to backfire, but I can also see my taking the time and doing as she wants and expects to backfire also and turn into a "he helped me go see OM, so he must have supported me" down the line.

maybe it would be best to simply say you are not taking the time off, period. Don't explain yourself or try to justify anything. To me, it really won't matter what you say after "I'm not doing it" because she'll just try to turn it against you and make you feel like an a-hole. Why not let her come up with her own reasons for that.

I think this is a really good point, and one that I almost instantly had an excuse for. I have taken a fair amount of time to respond to her on this. I think that if I was going to respond this way, I should have done it from the offset. I almost feel she's entitled to an explaination, I guess it's my effort to make up for the time I've spent stewing on this. My guilt. My fear of telling her something she doesn't want to hear. My desire to appease her.

Is this just a misplaced stand I am trying to take against parts of myself that I don't like? Am I infusing this with far too much importance because I see so much to it? See, this really IS all about me, and if I do tell her this without conveying that to her, it's going to be perceived as all about HER, which to me, it's not.