And here I see yet another example of how the seemingly opposite situation yielded the same results....
Matilda says above, "I didn't want flowers, cards, anything romantic. I didn't want to do those things for him either. Just last week we were talking about Valentine's Day and he reminded me that it was never a big deal to me in the past. So true. But this year it's a whole different story. I really need those shows of affection now. Strange how things turn around like that."
Wow...I used to get all that, I GOT all those shows of affection-we were very 'close' b/f A. Then he left for overseas and decided (I guess) to 'start anew' and see if he was really better off w/o me. B/F A we were always close, spent virtually all our time together (being military and moving a lot didn't lend itself to long-term friendships) we were always touchy-feely, sex was often and great, I got the little shows of affection, love notes on the bathroom mirror in my eye-liner, cards, little notes stuck on my car windshield, flowers every V-day, every holiday-and even not on holidays. We always made a big deal out of V-day, we always made a big deal about birthday's and anniversary, and Christmas holidays.... Now those things just make me angry, I don't like the idea of flowers on a certain day..."guilt flowers"-because-it's-V-day-and-I-have-to-flowers...no thanks. I don't get those other little shows of affection anymore, I'm not sure how I feel about them. I wonder if he thinks about doing any...I have done some over the past 15 months and they have been pretty badly received, I guess he feels guilty about deserving them (?) he didn't say anything...the quiet man strikes again-leaving me to my own suppositions. I suppose I still want them (little show of affection that I used to get)...but will not allow myself to be upset that I don't get them-because I don't, and probably won't. I used to hear "good morning beautiful" on a regular basis, 'beautiful' was a nickname of sorts, so was 'love of my life'. I can't remember the last time I heard either. (unrealistic expectations)
I do still long for what we had-when I was the most exciting woman in the world to him...I miss the man who loved me like that. I wonder if he was just someone I made up inside my head-or if my H was just putting on a show and this, this NOW person is who he really is and always will be.
Finally had the dreaded OR talk the other night-at his insistance, I put him off for a good while of him asking me what was bothering me-not that HE wanted to talk to me, but he knew I was getting to the 'full' line. We talked. Nothing extreemely enlightening...basic household-type stuff, cleaning, being sick....I did manage to scratch the surface of how I feel (backslide of sorts) I told him it made me queezy to think about 'talking' to him...he asked why and I told him because I felt he really didn't want me to. And that he was some how just placating me because he 'had to'. He didn't answer. Sometimes silence IS the answer. I told him how I felt that in the past I was too open with him and realized that I overwhelmed him. I also told him that sometimes I have a hard time seemingly holding this M together, it gets tough to do alone.
You said, Andy, that you have stopped the nagging and that your wife sees this as 'everything's ok'....and coupled with the excerpt from the WAW syndrome...I can see myself there. As long as I act like everything's fine, H is OK. Like you say-I don't wan't D, if I did I'd have been gone a long time ago, I just know that I am in a holding pattern of sorts, if I return to my old-open ways (and be true to myself?) then I, as you say Andy, will jump right into that old cycle again..which led to A....what a vicious circle...I refuse to go there again.
I am wondering, Matilda, what did it take for you to see that you holding your H and your M at arm's length was the road to the end? You say you decided to make some changes well before H's A...what were those based upon? How did you get there?
