Ok, I need some guidance and advice today. I'm feeling a little conflicted about this, and I know a good deal of it is because I'm stewing, and thinking about this is causing me to focus on the sitch more than I should.
W is going to take a trip to consumate the A. She asked me to take time off to watch S4 while she went. I told her I would think about it, and if you remember, we had a bit of a blow out over her expecting me to do this without giving me the option. I have given it a lot of thought, and the implication of me doing this goes against my values and I think I can see a lot of potential for me to be ashamed of deciding to do this down the line. The trouble is that I can see this as a good things because the time spent with S4 will be great. I am also sure that should I tell my W that I decided against taking the time off she will give me hell, and the resulting conflict won't be good for the sitch. She will no doubt see this as an attempt to prevent her from going - which I'm not, I just don't want to have anything to do with enabling her doing this because it can and will be seen (by myself to some degree as well as to others) as condoning this.
Regardless of the reaction I anticipate, I know what I want to do. I need to tell her what I've decided. Trouble is, that recently I have been feeling more and more angry at her and about the lunacy of the sitch. I don't want to be shooting myself in the foot by taking this action that could push W away - but at the same time, if she allows herself to be pushed away by me standing up for what I believe in, then she can stay away. I guess I'm not so much confused as scared of the fallout that is certain to come.
So what's the best approach to this for saving my M? She sent me an email with the dates she is planning to be away - I was thinking of responding to this with an explanation of my position, being sure to make my decision all about myself and how this goes against my values. Something about doing this over email seems a little cowardly to me - at least I'm sure that my W will see it that way. The benefit to this though is that I'll be able to get the words out to my satisfaction, unlike verbal communication. No doubt in a conversation, W will dominate the conversation with her tantrum. What an unpleasant position. I wish I didn't have any part in this what-so-ever. I could live my life without allowing this into my personal space. Let me know your thoughts.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
