Muddle's Muddy Waters

[MuddleThrough]

Thanks, GH. I think I have already made my decision. Unfortunately, I can't allow myself to open up - partially because of the fear of being used, or being hurt again and partially because I know I still have a lot of work to do on my own issues and taking the focus away from this will be an unnecessary distraction.

I have to accept that I don't know why my W has turned her attention toward me. I have a lot of ideas why, both positive and negative, but in the end I don't like the message it sends if I comply with her bids. I have felt awkward about how I have responded so far, because I have given more than I think I should have. In a sense, this is reflective of what I posted to you, GH, about the giver/taker dynamic. If she gives more, she gets more. The R means more to her then - it's like an investment. If I accept her bid for attention (what she's really asking for is for me to give to her again), she ceases to give in the volume she has been in the past few days.

So, yes it's a risk - she might feel me pulling away and do the same - but to me it's not as much of a risk as going back to doing the same things in the M that wasn't working. She knows where I stand with regards to my desire to have the M work out. The message I hope I'm sending with my current actions is that I don't think it is working out (which I think is important for her to know - that I'm not in denial) and that I'm not satisfied with things. She knows how I feel about her, and she also knows how I feel about what she's doing. I think she is starting to realize that this matters to her.

I have always been the primary giver in our R, and she the primary taker. Come the A, and she says that all she ever does is give - I'm sure she has reason to feel this way about our life, but in the M R, she doesn't have to do much. In fact, it would almost be giving on her part to accept my advances! So, this dynamic needs to change, and I need to be the one to change it now. I will stop doing what is expected of me - even though it hurts to not do what I feel I should or want to. It's a 180, to say the least, and it's a real risk. Now, I have to get to the point where I accept her advances or bids, and enjoy them, but stop WANTING more, or feeling like giving more affection or attention will make her WANT to give me what I want. Make sense? I don't want to be cold, but I still need to eliminate this type of action.