Muddle's Muddy Waters

[MuddleThrough]

Another weekend has come and gone. Over all, not bad. W has almost become a completely different person. She is making a lot of bids for closeness (yesterday she put her arm through mine in the grocery store) - and not acting much like someone who wants to detach from me. In fact, she's telling me that she WANTS to be close, or rather that she wants the "old" kind of attention from me.

I have been really wavering on this because it puts me in a very vulnerable position. I feel like the more I allow myself to be affectionate and open with her, the more open I am to the pain of desiring her, and not having this really returned. It is really interesting how obvious the change in her is.

So, my efforts at detachment are in a precarious place right now. I think there is real danger to slipping back into my old R just because I have been getting some of the attention I want from W. I have noticed things while this is going on, so I'm not oblivious, but I guess I'm a bit more eager to please her, so I'm thinking from somewhere below my spiritual/intellectual center.

I think when I put this all down in print that I'm really focused on my W and the R, but when I post here, I tend to try and take an overhead snapshot of it and make sense of it all. Most of the time I'm really focusing on myself. Anyway, the response I've gotten from my W in the past week or so has been really interesting. I have no doubt that she is reacting to my changes in the way I'm acting. I'm not really sure what it means, but it certainly does mean that I'm getting a lot more attention. I said something to her the other day about something she did "working" - that she got through to me about something that she had trouble with before. I think the fact is that now she's trying to change our R - for whatever reasons, she's trying to make things better. I hope the success of her efforts will encourage her thinking about the potential of our M.

I'm just not sure how much to give now. I don't want to act like nothing's wrong - which seems to be exactly what she wants - but I need to give something. I guess this is a trial and error thing and I'll get it soon enough. I don't, however, want to maintain distance through bitterness - which I do feel creeping in now and again. Gotta keep my focus on the positive in my life now.