Muddle's Muddy Waters

[MuddleThrough]

So, apparently I have an attitude now. I don't really care how I'm coming off much anymore - and although this is not ideal, it's where I am, and I think it's critical to my self development at this stage in the game. I haven't been jumping to help W out with anything. I haven't been acting like I'm happy to see her. I haven't been giving her much attention at all. I've just been living my life. She mentioned something last night (actually woke me up to say this) that she didn't think it was going to be over so soon between us. She said that she thought I wouldn't let go. That I would always be there. I didn't give her much of a response, partly because I was half asleep and I knew the complexity of my position would be hard to articulate to her, and partly because I wasn't too worried about what she thought. I have told her I wanted to make the marriage work. I have told her that I would be here. That hasn't changed. What has changed is that I've stopped thinking that there is anything I can do to fix this. I am not part of the problem (at least THIS problem) and therefore I can't be part of the solution. She needs to figure out what she wants - and if that's me, then I'm here, if not, then too bad for her. What I am not doing any more is doing for her. I am not going to try to please her, or make her life better or nicer. I'm not going to focus on her at all. She certainly doesn't like this because she was quite comfortable using me for whatever she wanted to yet contributing nothing. No more.

I'm not sure if I should tell her this, or if I should just let my actions speak for themselves. She has confronted me a couple of times now and it seems that to her I look like I've let go, like I've given up on the M. I guess I have and I haven't. I've given up on the old M, the one that's over and gone forever, but I haven't given up on being happily married to my current W. I haven't given up on my family. Again, I'm not sure if I should communicate this to her or not. I think her security is shaken even though I haven't told her anything that would tell her that it should be. Another thing is that I'm not sure that my current detachment isn't fueled to some degree or other by resentment and anger. I think the fact that I have been somewhat cold to her (short answers, which I don't think have been rude or mean or anything short of civil, seem to demonstrate to W that I don't want to talk to her, that I'm not happy to see her, etc.) has been a result of a positive shift of my focus onto myself and my pursuit of a healthy life, not a reaction to my W.

I guess the issue for me is that I don't want to push my W away, and it seems that by not living up to her expectations and meeting her needs I am doing so (quite manipulative on her part, yes), but I do want to focus on myself and totally disregard her pull and influence on who I am and need to be now. I have come to a new point in my core being where I really don't care if she stays or goes. I guess I don't really want to be married to the person I share my bed with - or at least the person she has regressed to be. This liberates me, but it also gives me a nihilistic perspective. Hmmm.