Your W resents you. I'm sorry to say that, but I know of what I speak. I wish I knew the magic potion to get through to her, but I'm not really sure what it took for me to let go of my resentments. My H thinks it took his A for me to change. NOT TRUE. I starting changing things an entire year before he told me of the A. He now acknowledges that, but I think that makes him feel even guiltier.
I didn't want flowers, cards, anything romantic. I didn't want to do those things for him either. Just last week we were talking about Valentine's Day and he reminded me that it was never a big deal to me in the past. So true. But this year it's a whole different story. I really need those shows of affection now. Strange how things turn around like that.
Trying to analyse myself, I think I finally started letting go of resentment when I started getting enough sleep!! And it probably took a couple of years of "enough sleep," along with no more financial problems, along with the kids growing up and giving me more time, etc., to realize I wanted my M to be better. Unfortunately, it was too late at that point to stop him from being with the OW, but since I kept 180'ing throughout that mess, he realized I was serious about putting our M first and ended the A.
I don't know if that's all it was. I also had a lot of other rather serious issues that I needed to deal with to get to that point (sexual molestation as a child, father who committed suicide when I was only 5). So much that kept me from connecting totally to my H.
Anyway I don't really have any advice, except to keep doing what you're doing. Things seem to be getting better. I hope they continued that way. If I think of anything "earth shattering" I let you know. Your wife seems to be in the same place I was. I feel like I know her.
