Muddle's Muddy Waters

[MuddleThrough]

Ok, here's the thing. I guess that is what you are and who you want to be, which is what I was saying to embrace. For me, I think what I said was more about making the choice to be patient and not letting other people, here or in real life, get the better of me and influence me to leave my path for something that was not really for me. It's all about learning who you are, what you want and then sticking to it...at least that's what I believe now. I didn't do that as well as I should have and I feel somewhat of a failure for it. I know I am not a failure but it FEELS like it.

I think I know what you mean. On these boards with the similarities in all the sitches, it's easy to get caught up thinking certain things that are issues to others are issues in your sitch. I think it's important to evaluate any and everything - even if it doesn't apply - and then move forward from there. I think a certain amount of pursuing avenues that don't apply to your sitch is normal. This path we are on isn't all that well defined, so following the wrong path for a time isn't necessarily a bad thing, especially when you recognize it and can learn from it. You keep saying that you feel like a failure - STOP IT! You haven't failed at anything, except perhaps compared to your own perfectionist expectations.

Either I, the man I am, will "work" for my W, or I won't.

Good for you. If my W ever decides to make our M work, I'm not going to forget your experience here - I will not leave any stone unturned in our conversations about how to fix it. I want to be totally open and above board - and I want to totally agree on an approach that we can hold each other accountable for.

she is rebelling against ALL pressure right now.

This is rough, right? I think accepting that this sort of behavior - adolescent at best - is coming from the person that you honor and cherish and want to spend the rest of your life with and be partners with is extremely difficult. Talk about cognitive dissonance.

IF my W stays in this marriage, I am 100% convinced now that it will be ONLY because she sees a reason to do so, not because she sees reasons NOT to do so.

Important. Very, very important. I agree that this is the truth, but there's no competing with a fantasy. So how do you give good reasons when the "better" ones are looming large? I think when someone is running from responsibility (pressure) like your W seems to be doing, the only way this can change is for them to invest in the responsibility and find fulfillment in it. How can you see to it that she finds fulfillment, and therefore sees the R as more rewarding? Well, we're back to changing the dynamic. If you back off, she'll likely invest more. Don't invest anything in the R. Stop reading books. Stop all pursuit. Just stop. I think you can really be yourself while doing this too. I don't think it's going down tunnels at all as long as you are not looking for your W's changes as results of your actions.

Hang in there - you're making sincere progress.