Quote: WOW - it's like I've been visited by a ghost, lol. We miss you man!
I miss you too, but I can't do it full time right now...that said...here I am again, lol.
Quote: More and more I have come to this conclusion. Our Ws have made us feel like we have been doing something wrong. Somehow, it's our responsibility to make them want to come back. BS. The best I can do is keep myself open as long as I can. I have my life to live, and I'm not going to live it groveling at the feet of someone else. If she doesn't like who I am, tough. I don't really like the person she is choosing to be right now, and I have accepted that there's nothing I can do about it, now it's time for her to come to terms with this. I'm living for me now. There's room to accomodate someone who wants to travel down the same road as I do, but I see no reason to accomodate someone going the opposite direction.
Ok, here's the thing. I guess that is what you are and who you want to be, which is what I was saying to embrace. For me, I think what I said was more about making the choice to be patient and not letting other people, here or in real life, get the better of me and influence me to leave my path for something that was not really for me. It's all about learning who you are, what you want and then sticking to it...at least that's what I believe now. I didn't do that as well as I should have and I feel somewhat of a failure for it. I know I am not a failure but it FEELS like it.
Quote: Point taken - but I think as long as my personal motivation stays consistant there's room for experimenting with "tactics."
Not for me anymore. I am too far along in this. I know what I need to change, know what my marriage was missing in the past, and know that we need help to fix it, even if that help comes only in the form of open, honest conversation. What is over for me is the constant agonizing over what is or is not "working" in terms of my sitch. Either I, the man I am, will "work" for my W, or I won't. That's it. No more going down tunnels, cheeseless or not. I can't do that anymore. It has to be a much more transparent process next time or I won't be doing it.
Quote: And here's where the really troublesome issue is: she's acting like she can do whatever she wants to - she's not holding herself to the same standard as you are, and she doesn't see any ramifications for this. Maybe the boat needs to be rocked.
My W FULLY knows what the potential ramifications are and I THINK she knows I have control over a lot of them. The problem is she just doesn't care right now, and worse than that, she sees those "ramifications" as pressure to conform to what she is "supposed" to do, i.e. stay married, be the "perfect mom", etc... and she is rebelling against ALL pressure right now. It does me no good to paint a picture. She already knows what it looks like, HATES the idea of it but is not detured in the slightest by it.
IF my W stays in this marriage, I am 100% convinced now that it will be ONLY because she sees a reason to do so, not because she sees reasons NOT to do so. That is a VERY important distinction for me to understand, and one that leads me right back to DB basics again.
GH
P.S. Ok, I must still have my night-light on, lol.
