Muddle's Muddy Waters

[MuddleThrough]

WOW - it's like I've been visited by a ghost, lol. We miss you man!

If I can give you any advice at all right now, it is to just BE what you want to be and damn be to all who say otherwise.

More and more I have come to this conclusion. Our Ws have made us feel like we have been doing something wrong. Somehow, it's our responsibility to make them want to come back. BS. The best I can do is keep myself open as long as I can. I have my life to live, and I'm not going to live it groveling at the feet of someone else. If she doesn't like who I am, tough. I don't really like the person she is choosing to be right now, and I have accepted that there's nothing I can do about it, now it's time for her to come to terms with this. I'm living for me now. There's room to accomodate someone who wants to travel down the same road as I do, but I see no reason to accomodate someone going the opposite direction.

If you want to be patient and loving toward your W, then do it. If you want to set boundaries, then do it, but whatever you do, decide to do it and then keep it up. I did not do this.

Point taken - but I think as long as my personal motivation stays consistant there's room for experimenting with "tactics."

Also, about the D talk. MY W is 100% convinced that we will never get divorced. It's not even about painting a picture.

And here's where the really troublesome issue is: she's acting like she can do whatever she wants to - she's not holding herself to the same standard as you are, and she doesn't see any ramifications for this. Maybe the boat needs to be rocked.

At one point I even accused W of being like that on purpose so that I would have to be the one to break up the family and she could say that she tried to stay together in spite of everything.

No question this is parallel in my sitch. She absolutely doesn't want to initiate anything. I have, in an effort to show her unconditional love, essentially confirmed her security in this relationship as long as we are still together. Maybe this was a bad thing. I'm going to keep playing this out, but I sort of regret it now. I recognized that she was holding all the cards, and I essentially told her that this was the case. I know I hold certain cards of my own, but regarding the M, she's holding all the cards that lead to reconciliation.

My friend, learn from me.

Certainly trying here. . .

Understand that if you see progress and especially if you see progress with YOU, then leave it alone. Give time and the process a chance to work. Don't push, don't expect, don't stop loving. This is NOT a game to be won by the 4th quarter, it's a life-long process that we are just starting. I forgot that. Please don't make that mistake.

You know, there's one thing that I haven't really done. I think I need to write something down that solidifies my purpose here. I "know" what I'm here for, but I need to be able to forgive myself when I find myself on a road that isn't working for me and return to the centered place that all my actions SHOULD be coming from. I know I'm better now than I've been in a long time. Since way before this A stuff started. I still do want to save this M, but the deeper into this I get, the more I realize that I am growing further and further away from my W. She needs to catch up on many levels, and while I DO want to wait for her, it's getting harder and harder to see the R I should have with a life partner with this person I'm sharing my life with now. Regardless (I know this all sounds really pessimistic) I want to give it the best chance, I wouldn't be happy with myself if I didn't. I know there's all the potential in the world in this M, but my W's will is being wielded from an immature place right now. Unless she grabs hold of it from higher up, there's not a whole lot of hope.

Here's another issue that I find myself struggling with: Since this all started, I have been taking such a critical look at myself and making changes for the better. W has become more and more resentful of the fact that I'm looking more like a goody-two-shoes, of course because of all her guilt and such. This is destructive because it puts a huge divide between us, and since we are so diametrically opposed, there's no clear way to unify. I'm not sure how to lessen the impact of this, because I like who I have become, the things I've focused on in my life, but I don't want to distance myself too far.

Anyway, GH, if you're reading this, thanks for checking in. The recent change in your sitch has hit hard, and sparked a lot of thought. Thanks for keeping us all updated - it truly is a huge service to us all. Keep your chin up and keep on keeping on.