Muddle's Muddy Waters

[MuddleThrough]

These new turn of events for GH have gotten me a bit down. I asked a question in a previous post about whether I was being P/A at all, and now having read GH's post where his W told him that this was coming through, I'm thinking that on some level I am.

I know one of my goals was to lovingly detach, and while I did do this for a while, I'm sort of at this fcuk it stage where I'm not too concerned about what happens either way. I think this is fueled by more anger than I think, BUT it's a big change for me. I think I have spent so much of my R with my W trying to do for her. I never really noticed that she was such a princess because I always wanted to do for her wherever and whenever I could. But she really acts like she's entitled to whatever she wants. For me to stop catering to her every whim is a big 180 for me, and I can tell that she doesn't like it. When she said to me "it seems like you've checked out" I thought to myself "if you were really checked out, you would be happy to see this, because it would mean I was finally accepting what has to be." There was fear in her eyes. No doubt, she didn't expect this, and she doesn't know what to think.

I know that there was a stage I went through where I thought about how unfair things were. I was doing what was right and it had no bearing on the R. So now, in the midst of her telling me that I don't think about her feelings, or her feelings don't matter to me, I have stopped concerning myself with her feelings and I don't really care too much about how what I do makes her feel. This is different than doing something to make her feel bad, because this isn't the case, but it's more that I am doing what I want to do without concern for its impact on her. This is exactly what she complains that I have done, but in reality, I have kept myself so in check and done whatever I could for her to make her life better. Perspective, perspective. Anyway, who's she to talk about me not caring about her feelings when she's doing what she's doing despite my feelings. Do unto others. . .

Then I get to thinking that she's not entirely well, and this sort of absolves her, or does it. I want to give her all due respect, but in so doing, I need to find some way to excuse what she's doing because it impacts me. It doesn't really affect me too much any more, but it still impacts my life.

Last night, W ran out and I went down to the computer. Her email was open (the account she opened just for the A) - she never leaves it open, in fact she always deletes the browser history - and I didn't look through it or anything. I figure that the fact that they are talking is the only thing that matters. Anything beyond that is information I don't need to know.

GH said something else that got me thinking. He discussed D with his W, who hadn't given it any real thought. My W seems to have done the same. She has thought about going through our stuff and dividing it, but it seems like she hasn't really gotten below the surface. This sort of reality creeping in seems to me to be so necessary, but how can I paint the picture? I get a real sense that this is all fantasy for her and she isn't going to leave because it's too much work - I really get the sense that she's going to push this as far as she can, but she's not going to get herself on her feet. She's looking to be rescued.

So how do I get her to look at all the details that are so very real without pointing them all out myself? I know when you are so focused on something that's great and fantastic, you minimize all the costs of getting there. I have no doubt she's doing this. I guess there really isn't any way to show her, or make her consider, or do anything, but this is a problem, and something that I'm finding I'm less and less willing to live with. I have been understanding and patient. I still am, but I have had little meaningful interaction with my W in months now - the bad far outweighs the good. I know this can change, I know there's so much good to be had in our R, but it has to be two people with the same goals. I think I have to keep distancing myself, going dimmer, in order for her to recognize that she's pushing me away. She has been throwing that it my face since the beginning: "you're pushing me away." Well, I think a big part of the draw for her is the superficial ego boost (self-esteem again) she gets from having two people who want her. Now she's starting to feel like I don't want her so much anymore and the fantasy IS starting to slip out of her control. I'm not behaving predictably, so she doesn't know what to do.

Maybe it will help, maybe not. The thing with this A is that because it's with my cousin, and he's in another continent, the R itself is so rediculous because there are so many sacrifices inherent to actually having the A become a real R that it would fail on its own merits nearly instantaneously. So I do sort of have the luxury of experimenting with the dynamic of our R within a wider spectrum than a lot of other people might. She CAN'T really just leave and run away with him. . .

It's interesting to put this down in writing because experimenting with the dynamic of the R is like trying on different clothes for me. It's experimenting with different character traits that I possess and seeing how they work for me, and how they change the situation. I hope my motivation is all in the right place, but regardless, I have to this point grown substantially as a person - not necessarily in my M. I am proud of who I have become and the strength that I am aware I possess. I can't say I've solved any real issues in my R, but I think all the progress I've made will be instrumental in the R if it comes to that.