Interesting convo at lunch that kind of ties into what I posted this morning. W told me that I have had an attitude with her and her friend and my brother. I told her I didn't intend to have an attitude, and that I didn't really see it as such. I told her that I was uncomfortable with her friend and my brother's involvement in the situation, to which she got quite offended. She started going off about how I was just upset that they didn't take my side. I told her that, no, I was upset because they were contributing to something destructive. That's not really an issue I feel the need to fight.
Anyway, she eventually told me that she felt like I had checked out of the relationship. I was the one who wanted to work things out, and I wasn't acting like I did. I wasn't "making" her want to try. Interesting, huh? All too clear the power changing one's actions can be. I can't say that this is necessarily a positive thing, but it certainly got attention. I did tell her that I haven't checked out - which might have been a bad thing, in fact I think it's one of my issues - I respond to her feelings too readily. I was acting a certain way on purpose, and it got a reaction. Good. She responded by giving me a sort of guilt trip, and while I was very detached from it, I didn't totally hold out my end. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I certainly don't think any real damage has been done.
Although I did do something else that I think was good: She communicated to me that she felt that I had a double standard regarding the responsibility of our son. She felt that I expected her to watch him when she was around and I wanted to do something, but she had to ask me. My response to her was: "I understand your point. Thank you for bringing it to my attention." to which she responded "I've been trying to tell you this for a while" and I responded "well, you've done something RIGHT this time in that I got it. You communicated directly and I understood it. You did something RIGHT." She was a bit confused, and admitted that she didn't know what she did differently - she didn't know what that right thing was - but I think I may have planted a seed in her mind.
Anyway, I'm still in an ambivalent place in my mind. I may be truly checking out, I'm not totally sure yet, but I think playing this card is somewhat effective. I mean, in all actuality, SHE is the one who is operating on a rediculous double standard - she's upset that I'm not concerned with her feelings, meanwhile she's acting in total disregard to mine. . .
Do I sound resentful? Am I acting this way as a result of a passive agressive stress relief? I don't really think so, because I am genuinely happy with my life now (despite the obvious), but I don't want to turn around to find that my motivation isn't what I thought it was.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
