More journaling: this weekend was great - my son and I have been having a really great time together. W has been trying to get me to look at her going away as an opportunity to "get to know our S the way I do". The thing is that when I get the opportunity to spend time with him, I give him 100% of my attention and focus. We hang out like friends. He doesn't ever go over to the TV and watch it for hours, he wants to be engaged and doing things. I see my W ignore him for hours on end, partly becuase she spends all her time on the computer, but mainly because I've noticed this trend where she needs to be entertained by someone or something. She doesn't seem to bring much to the R with our S. This is depressing to me, but I am confident that the new R I have with my son would not have been what it is had it not been for this sitch.
W said to me the other day that if she decided to stay it would be for our S. I had so much to say to this, but I bit my tongue. There's no use arguing, and doing so will only push the realization of your point further from their acceptance. I find this almost rediculous. It's as if she would make this "huge" sacrifice for her son, but she won't sacrifice in the day to day. Which is going to have more impact on his life and development?
W said something else this weekend that made me think. She said that she wished that I could somehow be a part of what's going on between them!!!!! It's not too difficult to see here that what she was saying to me is that she wishes that I could be a part of her LIFE. Because to her, THIS is her entire life. To me, she hasn't been living. For the past 6 months, her entire existance has been about THIS. She has been living in a fantasy and hasn't been living. Too bad for her.
I had a talk with W's stepfather last night. I think he was right on with a lot of his analysis of my W, but he held on to the idea that something he could say would impact her thoughts or actions. I told him that it took a lot, but that I finally accepted the fact that nothing I said could change her thinking, especially because she's getting a sort of instant gratification out of thinking what she does. So now, here I am, at another crossroads where I am concerned with how my actions will effect her. I know I should do what I feel is right, but I find myself debating trying to enhance her life with us, because she very often likes to point out that things are unfair because I can do what I want when I want and she says she cant, or if I should almost abandon her and do what I want. I know that I don't want to abandon her, but it would be unpredictable, and the distance might do something to help with reconciliation if it happens in that it give her an opportunity to see me with far more mystery than previously and more potential for attraction. Then again, this might be pushing her away. At this point, I know that I don't want to try and buy her back, either through actions or gifts or what not, but I don't want to contribute to her desire to leave either. On some level, I think a separation would be ideal now, because it would force her to live in reality, taking care of herself, and it would force her to grow up a bit. Well, it's not an option right now.
Overall, I think that my state of mind is great. I've been doing a lot that I want to do. I wish my R with my W was different, in quite a few ways right now, but it's not. It will change, one way or another. Time will tell.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
