I haven't journaled in a few days, partially because there's nothing really new in my sitch, and partially because I'm a little nervous to put this down in print. I have been finding myself more distanced from my wife in the past several days. My perspective of her is not one I like, and it has more to do with her actions than anything else. I have actually stopped a lot of my affection towards her (even though it was sparing at best before) and this has changed my perception of her. Additionally, she has been going through a tough time because her friend and coconspirator has taken a LOA, and hasn't returned W's phone calls. She has been going on and on and on about this. I haven't really got much sympathy for her, because this is who her friend is. I want to point this out to W, but I never do. I just listen and tell her I understand how she feels. I don't take her side, but I don't try and influence her at all either. This kind of action on her part makes me see her as someone who's choosing to be entirely helpless and totally reliant on other people to help her escape her hell. I KNOW that I can't do anything for her - she needs to decide to do so herself - but I wish there was at least some recognition of her part in all of this.
Needless to say, I have found myself pondering a life without her. And just as I can see a great life with her, I also saw a great life without her. I know this is somewhat reactive thinking, and that's another reason I hesitate to put it into print, but I think there's some value to it. I find myself becoming impatient, partially because I know that it could well be a long time before she realizes that the A is a problem to her and decides to do something about it, and once that happens, it will be a long time before our relationship becomes something good again that we lovingly nourish together. I know it sounds a bit pessemistic, but I think it's realistic. I question whether SHE has it in her to be strong enough to get through all of this.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
