OMG, we type a LOT. Here, I will distill my response down to one particular thing you said.
Quote: I think that blaming the decision to have and continue an A on the M is a way of having at least 50% control over the motivation. I don't think you have any.
I totally disagree. I think I had a LOT of control over her MOTIVATION to have an affair but no control over her choice to do it once that motivation was in place, or the motivation to stay was diminished. I think that's actually what this fictitious "marriage" thing IS. It is our attempt to motivate another person to be with us. You can substitute court or attract or entice or seduce or whatever word you want but to me, that is the essence of marriage, something I knew LITTLE about before DB. Then, after reading DB, I finally "got" it. Marriage and especially a healthy marriage is NOT about two "joined" people living in a rigid, predetermined box of "vows" but rather two "whole" people NOT taking things for granted and out of love and desire for one another, willingly and enthusiastically doing for one another.
To me, this is all about motivation and how we can influence our partners, but NOT control them. There is a big difference and to be clear, all I am talking about is the basic tenant of DB that says to have a full marriage we first have to be true to ourselves and know what WE want. Once we can do that, our spouses will be motivated to see us not as clingy, needy people, but whole people, worthy of their love...because we KNOW we are worthy not because they deem us so.
So, I DO think I play a part, through my actions/words in the marriage, in my W's motivation to stay or go. As I said, without that belief, DB does not work, IMHO.
GH
P.S. Yes, this IS living to me. I love nothing more than a friendly debate. Thank you!
