Well, I think it's nice to think that our Ws wouldn't have done what they did had the M been better - but, this is unknowable, and As do happen in good Ms. I guess this is also in some way and attempt at controlling your universe, by projecting your personal power into the past, saying that had you done something differently, your W wouldn't have made the choice she did, that your actions would have influenced her choice if you had been more aware of the state of your M. Maybe, maybe not. This is something I fight with too, and I fight with the idea that should we reconcile, there is no way that I can A proof our M going forward, because I have no power over my W.
I have trouble with good/bad being applied to M. I think what works in one M may not in another, and because this is such a subjective thing, there's no way to apply such a finite label on it. Also, I think there's a lot of merit to using terms like "left something to be desired" or "I don't like", because in the end, it's all just a matter of opinion. Things can always be improved - but our perspective of bad/good is just that, a perspective. Should your W die today - God forbid - would you go through the rest of your life thinking you had a BAD marriage? No, I have no doubt that you would tell people that you had the incredible opportunity to know this wonderful woman intimately, and althought your M left some things to be desired for both of you, it provided you with one of the best opportunities for self growth in your life. I know this is extreme, but I think it's so critical to live in the grey and avoid the illusions of black and white thinking.
Maybe this is all just semantics - but to me, it's important. I sincerely hope my opinions don't offend you.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
