I read your thread your story in "Piecing". I was in a similar situation as your wife. My H travelled a lot for work - was gone 3-4 days a week almost every week. I had 3 young kids to raise, plus I had (have) a business I work out of my home so that I was able to be at home for them. I got very used to "being on my own" in my marriage. I had all the home responsibilities, plus trying to make some money to help relieve the stress on my husband of being the only bread winner. I was under a lot of stress myself!! When H would come home I'd resent when he'd try to make a decision about the kids or what we should do on the weekend or anything because I felt he didn't have the right to make those decisions. I felt like a single parent for a good 12 years of my almost 18 year marriage. There were times when I'd get so frustrated with him trying to ACT like he was part of the family that I'd ask him, "So, when do you leave again?" I can see how that was demoralizing for him. It was his job, after all, and he was doing it to provide for him family. Now I find out that back during the really hard times for me (3 very young kids, trying to start a business at home to relieve his stress), he had a fling with someone at work (yes, this last A was his second!!). It's been so long ago that he can't really remember why he did it, except that he felt he wasn't getting enough attention from me. Really? I was getting maybe 3-4 hours of sleep a day, but what a bitch I was because I couldn't give him all of the attention he needed!!
My H also didn't want me to do anything without him. I won't get all into that now, but it sounds pretty similar to your situation. Finally, after a couple of years I said I have to get out by myself for a little while. So reluctantly he stayed with the kids every Saturday morning while I went window shopping and got a cup of coffee. See, I was really irritated that he was eating out a restaurants, not having to deal with homework, bedtime, making lunches, etc. I never really believed him when he said that all got "old," he hated eating out, and he hated traveling. Yeah, sure. Sounded like a dream to me!!
My H also thought he was the perfect H. He was/is in many ways. But what he thought he was doing to show me love and affection was not the way I wanted it or would accept it. You need to find out what your wife's idea of love and affection are. Now, those are different perceptions, aren't they. Yikes!
Well, I guess you can see I have some anger in me about that. This whole thing is such a mess. I do still think that I'm lucky in many ways. I am very sure of his love for me, but still that little voice nags at me, "is love enough?" Our C says he was very immature and selfish and that he's finally grown up. Well, time will tell. I guess I can believe that a little since he decided to come clean with everything. I think that shows some maturity.
Well, we're off to see the C today. First time for both of us in a month. I've been going by myself for a while to try and work through some of this without putting more stress on H. He's making himself a nervous wreck, literally, from all this. That's a long story, but his health is really being jeopardized. So I am trying to be loving and comforting, and letting him know I am his safe harbor.
Thanks for listening.
Yup. My W resented the fact that I wanted to be part of the family decision making process. I think she considered it as impinging on her independence and also that I was questioning her decisions.
I also understand the lack of sleep. It’s been going on for a long time. Longer than it should have been. Our son’s handicap has made this a never ending story. From my perspective, I’ve tried to relieve her as much as I can. Problem is that I think it turned into a competition for who had it harder. Also, I think she has a little of the “now it’s your turn” attitude.
So, she accepts the help I give her, and sees no reason to return the favour by putting any of her energy into OR. I guess she’s making up for lost time.
As to finding out what W’s ideas of love and affection are… It seems to have changed. She used to want physical affection, help around the house, compliments, little gestures (such as flowers) to show her that she’s special to me, etc. But now she seems to be fiercly defending her independence, and any of these gestures appear to threaten that.
So, I backed off on these things – except for the helping out – and she’s become less defensive of her independence.
But, now, I think the WAW syndrome has kicked in, but in reverse.
quote:Excerpt from The Walkaway Wife Syndrome : While she's planning her escape, she no longer tries to improve her relationship or modify her partner's behavior in any way. She resigns herself to living in silent desperation until "D Day." Unfortunately, her husband views his wife's silence as an indication that "everything is fine." After all, the "nagging" has ceased.
I’m not saying that I’m heading for a D, but my W thinks “everything is fine” since I stopped nagging her, and of course, I can’t start nagging again, or I’ll just restart the same old cycle.
