Muddle's Muddy Waters

[MuddleThrough]

Thanks for your perspective, GH. I had the talk last night - it was actually quite interesting. She had had a couple of glasses of wine by the time she started talking to me. She's still really wary of me, and so she was asking again whether I'll tell my parents or his parents when she goes. I assured her that I wouldn't - for the first time in a real way. I then told her that although I really didn't like the reasons she was doing what she was doing, I really liked the fact that she was facing her personal demons and taking control of them in order to persue her happiness. The whole conversation moved her, and we were physically much closer than we have been in a long time. There was a lot of passionate kissing, etc. And then, of course, she has to tell me that she loves me, but she's not in love with me, that she loves me, but not the way I want her to. I told her that I alone can know how I want her to love me. I think it's interesting that there's any passion coming from her if she really doesn't want to have a husband/wife relationship with me, but I'm not going to fight with her about this. She openly acknowledged that my "letting her go" was making her feel more close to me, and that it would make it more difficult for her to go because she has that much more reason to feel guilty. She was crying and upset about how much damage this was all doing, saying things like "what happened to us?", "I'm sorry I fell in love with someone else", "I'm sorry I'm hurting you, I don't want to hurt you and our son." I tried to validate her pain and guilt (things that CLEARLY were coming out of her mouth) and she reacted by telling me that she didn't feel guilty. Interesting.

Oh, and also - she told me that she has been reading my journal! I think there are two ways to take this: 1. that she's interested in me, what I'm thinking and what I'm doing because there's some mystery now or 2. she's scared that I'm being two faced with her and that I'll ruin her plans at the first opportunity and she might glean some insight into my state of mind. I'm betting on the 1st.

So, needless to say - there's a bit of encouraging behavior on her part. She's still so deeply entrenched in this that I'm sure we still have a long way to go. Even though it felt really good to be close again last night, I KNOW that my happiness isn't intertwined with her perspective on me because I'm no less happy today than I was yesterday. This to me spells serious progress on my part.