Muddle's Muddy Waters

[MuddleThrough]

Thanks GH. I think my refusal to tell her what she wanted to hear went deeper than just the particulars of the conversation. I was really thinking about detachment while I said that, and when she asked me why I wouldn't tell her what she wanted to hear I had a very hard time not saying to her "because I refuse to be resposible for your feelings any longer. I think that's one of the issues in our relationship, and I am changing the dynamic of this now." - trouble is, I couldn't come up with an alternate reason for this either. But basically, she kept telling me I was letting her down for not "making" her feel better. I just want to be sure that this isn't PA behavior (I REALLY don't think so, but sometimes things come across as something other than you intend them to). As for slipping back into the old marriage - I have no idea what to expect IF I get another chance at this, but I'm sure this will happen. I know a part of the problem in our marriage is that ruts were created. They're still there. My W has told me on a couple of occasions that she thought the only way she could come back to our M is if we were separated - that's the only way she could feel she had the choice to. She has been thinking about this option, and she acknowledged last night that in her fantasy, she discounted a lot of the complications of reality. Specifically, she was talking about taking the trip and she said that she was always just thinking of the simple "I just want to be with him" stuff and not taking into account that she would be feeling guilty, wondering what our son was thinking, worrying about me, worrying about what would happen while she was there, etc etc. She used to think it was all so simple and now is realizing that it's not.
The issue with the "bad decision" thing: I think it has to do with self esteem. I have no question in my mind that regardless of the decision I made (whether bad or good) the fact that we ended up in worse traffic is not my fault, but to my W, who has no control over the situation and feels the need to have control, blaming satisfies this need to some degree or another. It gives her the opportunity to boost her ego/self esteem by saying "YOU didn't do this right - if I had the opportunity to do it, I would have done better." I think this is self destructive, because it's not grounded in reality. I remember reading something about self esteem issues in relationships, and one of the things that tends to happen is that negativity is turned outwards towards the intimate partner because the fear of being seen as helpless and fearful (as the person sees themself) is overwhelming. No matter how much this other person loves them, their fear overcomes this. The only real way to improve self esteem is through consistent follow through of challenging actions. Setting goals and accomplishing them. So I guess in the enabling dept, I have been a crutch for my W. I can either wait for her to decide to stop using the crutch, or I can decide to stop being the crutch. I'm just not sure whether my decision to stop being the crutch is disrespectful to her. Ok, I'm rambling a bit here.

In response to your request for clarification, GH, I'm not talking about tactics in an emprical sense. Nothing has worked or not worked to this point, as the sitch is still ongoing. Things might be more/less comfortable, but I don't think that's in any way an indicator of strategic success. Let me try and explain a little better: the romantic love/infatuation of an affair impacts brain chemistry in such a way as to create a euphoric state. This state, not unlike those created through drug use, is a very pleasant place to be, especially if you have been dwelling on problems for a long time. A person who experiences such pleasure wants to continue to feel that. They are looking for ways to have their world cooperate to enable them to dwell in this place as often and as long as possible. So we sort of enable their escape by not opposing it strongly. So, I guess what I'm saying is that I have these conflicted approaches to the sitch - one that says "I have no control over my W's actions, and this thing has to play itself out, she has to get bored of the high she's been getting and realize that she wants something more mature" and on the other hand, I felt the need to strongly express my disapproval. I know that my expression of disapproval and resistance has reinforced her "it might be right for me" attitude, and the right/wrong dynamic of our R to begin with makes her feel it's even more important to prove herself right here, so it probably is causing her to somewhat push herself further than she might have otherwise. Although, one of the benefits here is that they are extending themselves on faulty logic, and the further out they go, the more flimsy that logic becomes. Often people need to hit rock bottom in before they are willing to accept that they need to change, and by going out on the fantasy limb beyond the point of no return positions this person in a place where falling is inevitable.