To me, you seem to be doing the right thing. I don't think it's EVER on us to make this thing they're doing any easier. That's NOT the same as forcing them to stop.
Quote: She then started talking about staying with me and how it would be the same as it was. My response was "if that's what you choose" knowing that I'm not the same, I don't think the same and I don't have the same standards I did before this all started, so there's NO WAY we could go back to the same relationship.
Ok, so now she's thinking of the possibilities, good. At least this shows she's thinking about things. I too have said the same thing about ME being different and that no matter what I could not accept the same "old" marriage. To this point, I am not doing really well with that. I have slipped back into the "old" marriage a bit and I am working to get out of that rut. The point is that I think you are right. You WON'T, CAN'T go back. Who you are, what you now know about relationships and marriage won't let you. Your consistency in action will prove that to her over time.
Quote: GH, what you say your W told you about how to deal with the A is something I struggle with, and have struggled with since the beginning of my sitch. My W said similar things, but my thinking at the time was that not putting pressure on her would make escaping in this fantasy she created that much easier. I always felt that....
Could you clarify this? I re-read it a couple times and I can't tell if you are saying that "letting" the A continue has worked, or has not, or if I missed the point altogether.
As for the last bit about everything being your fault, I'm right there with you. To me though, it's more about the fact that when I made decisions in the past, and that was rare because I often deferred to her on most things, I was not confident myself, so I instilled a lack of confidence in her. If I really OWNED my decisions, like I hope I do now, I think things would be better.
Take for example a similar, almost the same story as yours. We were taking a trip to the courthouse for my W's case. She was really worried about getting there on time. I decided to take a different way to get there. Immediately she started in on me about "won't that take longer" and "you always do this and it never works out". Instead of getting defensive or just saying "fine, we'll go your way" like I used to, I simply said "the traffic WILL be bad on xxx road and this way we'll miss that. We may or may not get there faster but at least this way I know we'll get there on time and that's the most important thing." All said with a smile.
I can't tell you how big a 180 that is for me because that sitch is one of my triggers. I used to get SO pissed at her for that kind of thing and more fights probably started that way than any other way between us.
All I am saying is that they can try to paint us as idiots and people who can't make a decision to save their lives, but we can't allow ourselves to buy into that. The fact of the matter is that they probably would not do any better under the circumstances.
