Muddle's Muddy Waters

[MuddleThrough]

Ok - interesting conversation, right in line with what we were just talking about, happened last night. W started talking about how she's starting to get really nervous about going to Europe by herself. She's nervous about flying, and about all sorts of other stuff. I listened to her, validated her feelings, but didn't reassure her that things were going to be ok. She got a little upset that I didn't. Anyway, she got to the point where she said "What if the plane blows up?" to which I responded "good point, that's a possibility, and you don't have any life insurance coverage". She got a little more upset, and actually told me that I was "supposed" to tell her that the plane wasn't going to blow up. I told her that she knew that already, thinking to myself - your emotions are not my responsibility. Anyway, this went on for a little while, with W asking me to reassure her that the plane wouldn't blow up - and I wouldn't do it. Does it sound like I'm taking this too far? I know that I wasn't being manipulative trying to make her more afraid of the trip, in fact I wasn't trying to MAKE her feel or think anything. I think this really frustrated her - to the point where she got upset and took her pillow and said she was going to sleep downstairs (she then came back up some time later upset that I hadn't followed her down or tried to convince her not to go).

On another note in the same conversation, she said she wasn't going to go. She then started talking about staying with me and how it would be the same as it was. My response was "if that's what you choose" knowing that I'm not the same, I don't think the same and I don't have the same standards I did before this all started, so there's NO WAY we could go back to the same relationship. She then said that she couldn't improve herself while in this relationship - that we just don't have the resources (for things like a second car, etc). This got me, because it just shows how her thinking is: I'm in a trap, gotta get out, anything will be better than this, the problems in here don't exist out there. Sorry, but divorced people have a LOWER standard of living than married people. I didn't tell her this, but I'm sure she'll figure it out sooner or later.

GH, what you say your W told you about how to deal with the A is something I struggle with, and have struggled with since the beginning of my sitch. My W said similar things, but my thinking at the time was that not putting pressure on her would make escaping in this fantasy she created that much easier. I always felt that her talking about "pushing me away" was manipulation - her way of punishing me for doing things that she didn't want me to. Regardless, it had the same effect. I'm not sure if it's more a desire to be understood on my part, or concern that I might be misunderstood and the thinking behind my actions misinterpretted. My Ws biggest complaints with me these days is that I have all the good intentions in the world, but that my decisions always turn out bad. Case in point - yesterday, we drove into the city to take our son to the Children's Museum for his birthday. Heading down, we hit some nasty traffic. I divert to another highway, more traffic. So, it takes us twice as long as it should have. My fault. My bad decisions. On the way home, similar story. My W is going nuts in the car because it's taking so long. And it's all my fault. I'm a horrible person for getting us stuck in traffic. If I had only decided to take a different road/street/highway, this wouldn't have happened. My reaction at some point (for the most part I validated her frustration, took no responsibility, didn't argue) was that my intention was to get home without it taking longer than it had to, that I couldn't have anticipated where the traffic would be. "Oh, you always have good intentions, you never INTEND things to go this way, but somehow they always do". Oh well. I know it's not mature behavior on her part and that I shouldn't give it a second thought, but it makes me think.