Muddle's Muddy Waters

[MuddleThrough]

I appreciate your sentiment. I can't imagine regressing back to that person I was, and I can't imagine my W wants me to either. But it is interesting that she told me in the beginning: "He reminds me so much of you". I'm not sure where this falls on the strength spectrum, whether he's stonger than I am, or not, in her eyes. And, in I'm starting to be able to say that I honestly don't care. You're right, this guy has a character flaw - more than one, I should say - and I'm really not concerned that she's found someone great that I should be jealous of. She hasn't. Does her love her? Is it love to put someone in a position where they have to walk away from their family in a way they MIGHT later regret? Not in my book - that speaks to me of pure selfish desire. Nothing compassionate or altruistic about it. So, I have little to no concern about their relationship relative to mine. Although, I do have wonder what it is that he is fulfilling in her - is it the simple fact that he wants her so badly that he's willing to be this bad guy to get her? Is it that he has a life, and isn't tied down to obligations that aren't of his own making?
I think in life, we all start out somewhere, with dreams and a certain perspective, and then as one gets caught up in all the stress of daily life, we fail to maintain this perspective. In my sitch, I think this has a great deal to do with why we are where we are - I haven't implemented consistently the way of life that my thinking had projected. Again, this might be me giving myself too much credit for our issues. But in the end we are what we make out of life, right? This is life - there's almost no sense in trying to understand why it is, but rather the focus should be on what can we do with it. I think we all get caught up in the same kind of thinking our WASs do - if only they would turn around and decide to love us again, everything will be all better. If we fixate on the problems, that's all we'll see in life. We are all trying hard to focus on solutions to problems - and we need to be sure that we focus on the biggest problem of all, that we are alive, and we decide what we do with this life - because where we put our energy determines what we see. If all we see if the problem of our marriage, that's all our life will be. I can see that this A is my W's life right now. It's what she lives for. Anything I have done that impacted it was done to her life.
On another note - it's so difficult for me to watch my wife make choices that involve and potentially damage our son. I know she resents the hell out him for being here preventing her from obtaining this wonderful fantasy life she has created. Through her lack of self control, I see her communicate values to him that I don't agree with. She has hit me in front of him (this was a particularly nasty event in the car one day, and the next day he hit her) - and neither of us think hitting is ok. She argues, and berates me in front of him. It seems she is so impulsive and out of control, and I'm too in control to stand up for myself, because I don't want to fuel an argument. I don't want this to be a dynamic that my son sees as normal. I know my W is in a place right now where she feels she has done so much for everyone else, and nothing for herself, so she feels entitled to putting herself first, even when it is detrimental to our son. I know I can't control her - but I see her doing so much damage to him, and I don't know what hope I have of being a buffer, or somehow minimizing this damage. I don't see divorce as remedying this in any way. I want my son to understand that adults work through problems and don't try and run away from them.